Your child needs to be heard

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), is considered the gold standard for diagnosing psychiatric disorders. Conduct Disorders (CD) may present with aggression to people or animals, property destruction, violation of rules set by authority figures, and constant lying to avoid consequences.

Argumentativeness, irritability, defiance, and vindictiveness are typical in oppositional defiant disorder ODD. Defiant behavior that persists for a prolonged period of time and interferes with a child’s performance at school and their relationships with family and friends can be a sign of something called oppositional defiant disorder, or ODD.

Once during the contact class an in-service pupil teacher enrolled for BEd programme through Directorate of Distance Education, University of Kashmir shared the following case study with me which I recorded in my reflective diary. I quote: “My 11-year-old son often sees things through a myopic lens. If I revise my opinion or decide to do something another way than previously stated, he calls me a liar.

He seems to lack malleability in thinking. It’s very unpleasant to see him stubborn and rigid. I fear this rigid thinking will weaken his social chemistry. He explicitly calls people liars and attacks with intense anger even in the simplest of situations or conversations.

Can he be educated, that calling someone a liar is a very strong accusation? He has trouble in moving on from a situation where he feels he has been offended. He also has an immobile mindset about his role in things. He is obstinate and stubborn in his approach; he does not listen to my repeated pleas.

When he fails in the examinations he resorts to the defense mechanism of rationalization by blaming the teacher rather than admitting his own lack of preparation. He frequently states “It’s not my mistake” — even when something clearly was 100% his fault. I have observed this over and over again.

He sees and believes he has no role in skirmishes. When I motivate him that he has the ability to face life challenges with a resilient mindset he comes up blank, with no ideas. He depends on me and other people to fight his life battles. He has a fluctuating mindset. He is oscillating between two extremes. After reflecting on this case study I responded back:

“I think your son lacks cognitive flexibility. If you enter into an argument with your son when he calls you a liar, you are indirectly acknowledging his undesirable behaviors. If he does that, temporarily remove yourself from this exploitative situation and later explain to him in a calm atmosphere. 

Children cannot learn when they are emotionally disturbed; it’s best to wait until they are calm and more open to listening. When that opportune time comes, you need to use empathetic language that helps him understand that people have thoughts different from his thoughts, and that doesn’t make them wrong and him right”.

During my PhD programme I worked on Psycho-Social attributes of delinquents. Here in this article I shall present the case study of three delinquents who suffered from oppositional defiant disorder.  I observed these three delinquents for a period of 6 months.

An oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) comment checklist constructed by the author of this article was used to identify the deviant traits among these three delinquents.  The following observations regarding the deviant traits of first delinquent Zameer ( name changed)  were recorded on the 0DD checklist: (1) frequent episodes of anger and emotional outbursts (2) short temper (3) habit of refusing to comply with the directions of the adults (4) excessive arguing with adults and school authorities (5) habit of unnecessary questioning or actively disregarding rules (6) vindictive, spiteful and resentful behavior (7) displaying cold behavior or saying mean things when angry (8) feeling generally misunderstood (9) Feeling unappreciated and disliked (10) impatient and impulsive behavior.

The following observations regarding the deviant traits of second delinquent Adil ( name changed) were recorded on the 0DD checklist: (11) displayed a habit of defending himself forcefully with confused arguments (12) Refusal to consider the feedback from others (13) Display of low frustration tolerance (14) experienced difficulty in following rules and expectations at home and school (15) high distraction coefficient (16) attention deficit (17) talked excessively and frequently interrupted people while they were talking.  (18) Uncooperative, defiant, and hostile toward peers, parents, teachers, and other authority.

The following observations regarding the deviant traits of third delinquent Suhail ( name chaged) were recorded on the 0DD checklist: (19) actively defies rules (20) confrontational and insubordinate (21) school truancy (22) intentionally infuriates others (23) non-compliance with authority figures.

Here I would like to stress on point number (17) that a child suffering from ODD is in the habit of excessive talking. When confronted by stressful events people sometimes abandon coping strategies and revert to patterns of behavior used earlier in development.  Anna Freud called this defense mechanism regression and suggested that people act out behaviors from the stage of psychosexual development in which they are fixated. For example an individual fixated at the oral stage is the habit of excessive talking which complement ODD disorder.                                     

Management and Treatment

The daily battles and the power struggles are losing currency in this contemporary world. Learn how to deal with a confrontational child using positive, respectful strategies that will bring peace back to home.

Parent management training for ODD

Parent management therapy (PMT) is the key treatment for oppositional behaviors disorders. By providing a nurturing, supportive and consistent home environment might help reduce symptoms and prevent episodes of insubordinate behavior. Compliment your child with positive reinforcement when they show flexibility in their behavioral disposition. Set reasonable, age-appropriate limits with consequences for poor behavior that can be applied consistently. Handling argumentative children is a litmus test for parents.  However, restrain from lashing out and punishing them. This will only aggravate the situation and widen the gulf.  Reprimand them if they are discourteous, but try to do it in a constructive manner. Send them the message that you are willing to listen to their point of view, subject to the condition they lower their voice and speak calmly in a polite manner. You can shift from being the ‘screamer’ to being the ‘teacher’. Remember, the ‘You yell, I yell ‘ approach will never work. Learn to be calm and composed in your child-rearing approach.

Most of the time, a child resorts to arguments to vehemently put his point across. He does so because he has doubt if his opinion will be heard or taken into consideration. So, listen patiently to your child to reassure him that his genuine concerns will be respected and taken seriously. This will help him put forth his arguments in a calm and composed manner. Most parents tend to reject their child’s views and impose their own on him. This causes the child to raise his voice. Instead of rejecting whatever your child has said, offer him options. This will work symbiotically for both of you. While it will make him feel that he has a basket of diverse options to choose from, it will allow you to maintain control as you will be the one deciding what options to offer. When dealing with an argumentative child, most adults find it difficult to control their resentment. They end up losing temper and raise their voice and ordering the child to ‘shut up’. However, such an approach never resolves the problem. It just provides a temporary relief.

Let go of the opinion that you must have the last word. Your child is eligible to acknowledge their thoughts and feelings in free atmosphere. Instead of coercing your child to bend to your will, take a deep breath and calm down. Permit yourself to put the conversation on hold until you are in a better position to listen and interact without overstretching. Constant arguments may be a sign that your adolescent is feeling disconnected from you. When kids feel connected to their caregivers, there is less desire to engage in a scuffle. Rather than continuing to push each other away, determine a way to come together. Be firm about what your child must do, but speak to them in a loving and understanding manner. When you set a good example of how to express an opinion or disagree in a loving and respectful manner, your children will follow.

Dr Showkat Rashid Wani, Senior Coordinator, Directorate of Distance Education, University of Kashmir