Toolkit for parents

As a parent, I understand the daily struggles you and I face while trying to guide our children on the right path. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed, uncertain whether we’re doing enough or doing it right. The truth is, parenting doesn’t come with a manual. But behavioural therapy offers us some powerful techniques that can transform the way we interact with our children, and most importantly, help them develop into emotionally healthy and well adjusted individuals.

Behavioural therapy is predicated on the belief that every behaviour is learned and can therefore be unlearned or changed. It trains one to reinforce positive behaviour and eliminate unwanted behaviour by employing uncomplicated yet consistent measures. You don’t have to be a psychologist to employ these methods you simply need some awareness, patience, and willingness to draw out the best in your child.

Let me give you some helpful behavioral therapy techniques that I think all parents need to learn and use.

Positive Reinforcement:

Perhaps the strongest tool we possess as parents is being able to reinforce good behaviour. I’ve observed that whenever I compliment my child for finishing homework or contributing around the house, he’ll repeat the behaviour. This is positive reinforcement working its magic.

How you can use it:

Praise your child the moment after a wanted behaviour.

Be precise: instead of “good job,” use “I’m really proud of you for cleaning your room without being asked.”

Use rewards such as extra playtime, favourite activity  or little treats appropriately.

But remember consistency is key. If you reward good behaviour only at times, it loses its effectiveness.

Negative Reinforcement:

As opposed to punishment, negative reinforcement is not about rebuking. It’s about taking away something undesirable to promote a good behaviour.

Example: If your child finishes their homework within time for a week, you can take away a chore they hate for the weekend. This makes them repeat the good habit.

We tend to do this technique subconsciously, but being deliberate about it can yield improved outcomes.

Ignoring Minor Misbehaviour

Not every misbehaviour requires a reaction. I have realised that in some instances, the most effective action in response to attention-seeking behaviour such as whining or minor tantrums is to ignore them.

When you refuse to pay attention to such behaviour, your child tends to realise it doesn’t work and eventually ceases.

Important: This should not go for violent or harmful behaviour. But for minor issues like grumbling or sulking don’t react and see the difference.

Clear Instructions and Expectations:

Oftentimes, we expect our children to “know better,” but if we don’t tell them, they won’t have a clue.

What I do:

I give short, concise instructions. Rather than Behave Properly, I request, please speak softly in the house.

I check first and make eye contact to make sure my child is listening before I give instructions.

I do not yell or lecture in frustration.

You will notice that when your directions are concise, children are more comfortable and respond better.

Time Outs:

The intent of a time out is not punishment, but to provide the child with an opportunity to calm down and think. It’s a pause from the situation.

How to do it:

Select a quiet, distraction-free area.

Keep it short typically 1 minute per year of age.

Explain the reason prior and subsequent to time out in an unhurried tone.

At the beginning of using time-outs regularly, I observed a positive change in the way my child managed emotions.

Behaviour Charts and Token Systems:

Children adore seeing progress visually. Applying a chart to monitor positive behaviours such as brushing teeth, homework completion, or the use of kind words may be encouraging.

Example:

Award a star or sticker for each positive behaviour.

Once you have gathered a set number, reward with something such as a story, a walk, or a treat.

This method provides children with a feeling of accomplishment and instills responsibility in them.

Modelling Desired Behaviour:

Kids observe us intensely. More than what we tell them, it’s what we do that influences their behaviour.

If I want my child to talk respectfully, I need to model respectful speech. If we are patient, they will learn to be patient.

Tip: Be calm, empathetic, and use positive language even when you’re arguing. Our actions become their guide.

Consistency and Routine:

Behavioural therapy encourages consistency. We both know how kids do better in a consistent environment. If rules, rewards, and consequences are consistently followed, kids feel safer and behave better.

What works:

Having regular meal times, study time, and bed times.

Having clear rules and sticking to the consequences.

Not making empty threats or changing the rules too often.

Routine makes trust, and trust makes improved behavior.

Applying Natural Consequences:

Occasionally, the most valuable lessons are taught by natural consequences, not man-made punishments.

If a kid forgets their lunch, let them experience the consequence (naturally, of course). They will remember next time.

Allowing children to experience the consequence of their actions (where appropriate) promotes responsibility.

Parenting is a ride full of love, learning, and sometimes frustration. But you and I have an empowering tool in the form of behavioural therapy that guides our children with kindness and clarity.

You don’t need to have a psychology degree to implement these techniques but just be willing to be present, consistent and patient. All that we do today contributes to creating a better future for our children.

Let’s raise them with behaviour based wisdom and a heart full of compassion. They are observing us, learning from us and becoming what we show them to be.

Mukhtar Ahmad Qureshi is a Teacher from Boniyar Baramulla.