The Third Angle : Beyond Right and Wrong
When we look at our society, particularly Kashmiri society, we come across a spectrum of perspectives, thoughts, and perceptions—some shared, some individually shaped. In general, our belief system remains consistent regardless of the location; whether a thousand or ten thousand kilometers away.The uniqueness of our region’s air and soil unites all perceptions, thoughts, and theories into one whole—be it a melting pot or what we call our school of thought. We easily get swayed by the deep-rooted culture of this common school, where invisible headmasters and headmistresses govern with unspoken rules that quietly consume us before we even realise it.
A person who may strictly obey social or civic rules outside Kashmir or displaying courtesy often exhibits disobedience, carelessness, even rudeness, upon returning home.
Divorce has become so common nowadays that nearly every household has come to terms with it. And yet, it continues to be perceived negatively in our society—particularly in Kashmiri settings, where it is treated almost like a contagious plague. True, divorce is not something pleasant; it is as painful and tragic as death, illness, job loss, or debt. But it is also a reality, one of the unfortunate experiences life may bring.
A striking observation is that divorce is almost always seen as a stigma borne by the woman, even though both partners suffer. In a troubled marriage, suffering is not exclusive to women ; men too are often forced into silence. They are told to endure for the sake of children or family honour, and with strict laws in place, many surrender to marriages that drag on like a heavy burden—at the cost of their peace and sanity.
A man suffers quietly, while a woman suffers openly—defamed, demeaned, and judged. He is rarely mocked, seldom pitied, in fact, often encouraged to remarry—once, twice, even four times. But for her, separation is not the real fear; it is society’s gaze—suspicious, pitying, and accusatory. She becomes both the subject and the spectacle: an object of constant scrutiny. Even the thought of another alliance is treated as shameful. These are bitter realities, tightly woven into our social fabric.
Divorce is still treated as a taboo, something disgraceful. But is it really as ignominious as corruption,violence, hypocrisy, dishonesty, deceit, or greed?
To borrow an old saying, “where angels fear to tread, fools rush in”? Well, our beloved aunties and uncles are its most loyal carriers—charging in daily with their free subscription of unsolicited commentary. It’s a terminal disease our society suffers from: the incurable addiction of judging without facts. Their own marriages may have been battlegrounds of silence and endurance, yet they leap at every opportunity to dissect someone else’s life, as if they graduated from our school of thought with flying colours and luck granted them a PhD in judgment.
Recently, our neighbourhood witnessed a new couple moving into a vacant house. From the very first day, the house was filled with guests, loud chatter, and the usual chaos of shifting belongings. Understandable—moving is never hassle-free. But within days, those loud conversations turned darker. The noise grew sharper: the slamming of doors, the sting of abusive language, the disturbing sobbing became the order of the day. What began as occasional quarrels turned into shouting matches, bad-mouthing, and even violence. Over time, this drama became so regular that when no noises came from the house, it seemed unusual. Then suddenly, one day, it stopped. No screams, no slamming doors, no cries. Had the couple made peace? Had good sense prevailed? Or had something worse happened? Questions remained questions. The answers stayed locked behind those walls.
Many readers will resonate with this story, because it is not the tale of one household—it is almost the story of every second household.
How many real marriages can we truly call successful? A common but vague answer is that any marriage lasting until the last breath is “successful.” But does mere endurance define success? True success is much broader—it implies happiness, fulfillment, and mutual growth.
Does that mean all marriages lead to happiness? Are all married people truly happy? The honest answer is no. To claim that marriage guarantees happiness for everyone would be nothing short of a white lie. Just as not every unmarried person is unhappy, not every married person is content. Life is not that absolute either.
Many people simply pretend. They make compromises, accepting marriage as destiny. They hide behind words and justifications. They continue because of societal pressure, stigma, children, fear, financial dependency, or simply because there is no other option. Such marriages bring joy neither to the couple nor to the children. They are half-lives, trapped in a bond that gives neither love nor dignity. Sadly, the majority of marriages fall into this category.
At the same time, there are others who would never think of leaving their marriage. For them, it is a sacred bond—an ultimate connection leading to paradise. They endure struggles because they believe their purpose is higher. Regrettably, this kind of marriage is now almost extinct. And then there are the rare ones who are genuinely happy, cherishing love and companionship.Their number is very small.
Marriage is a game of probabilities. There are the love birds, where choice and affection bind two people, and the angry birds, where coercion or compulsion ties them together. But there is also a third angle —when one partner chooses to walk away while the other refuses to let go. The one who stays may cling out of love, or simply an unwillingness to accept the loss. This is perhaps the hardest situation, for while entering marriage is easy, leaving it is not.
This third angle is an eye-opener. If you remain stuck in the first two, you may never recognize it. From childhood we are taught life has only two paths: right or wrong. But in truth, there is also a third space—where actions are neither right nor wrong.
Take the example of leaving versus clinging. Society says the one who stays is “right” and the one who leaves is “wrong.” Yet if the one who leaves finds happiness, society shifts and grants them sympathy. And if the one who stays suffers in silence, that “rightness” brings no reward—sometimes even disgrace. The dynamics keep changing, and right and wrong keep exchanging seats.
That’s the truth: nothing is absolutely right or wrong. The third angle is about seeing beyond society’s score-keeping—the endless marks added and deleted by our aunties and uncles on the sidelines. The real headmasters and headmistresses are not them, but our own fears and perceptions. The day we reclaim the driver’s seat, society’s school will stop failing us. Staying happy is our choice. Staying unhappy is also our choice.
When two people no longer feel alive in a relationship, separation is not defeat—it is renewal. The tragedy, however, is that our society, quick to judge, rarely dares to intervene. Neighbours who hear the cries, relatives who witness abuse, friends who sense despair yet choose silence—their silence is as cruel as the abuse itself.
And so the cycle continues until we recognize that divorce is not a disgrace but a right—a right to reclaim one’s humanity.
