The fine line between waging a war and letting go

When I moved to Kashmir from the Middle East, I had amassed a lot of stuff that held sensitive value for me. I neither wanted to leave it behind nor could it be transported to Kashmir for they would incur me a lot of expenditure that could have been best avoided at that point of time.

But I had to leave them behind out of no choice. Of all the possessions that were looking for a new place, there was this small dresser I used for a long time during my stay in the Middle East. It had a leg that was almost gone but it stood on the other 3 legs through its willpower and the attachment it must have had with me like I had for it.

As the days of winding up the first half of my life came closer, the first thing that made itself to the yard sale was this dresser. Every time I would come in and go out of my apartment, I kept seeing this dresser outside the building in the yard for someone needy to pass by and pick it up.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, for many days together this dresser found no new owner until one evening it rained in the entire city and of course it rained on the dresser too and got it wet. The next morning as I stepped out of the apartment, I found this dresser drenched in the night rain. I felt a sudden sharp pang of deep sadness.

A sadness that seemed to settle itself deeper as I went up in the evening and saw the empty space where the dresser had been, and all I could think of was the dresser somewhere, wet and abandoned, being crushed in a landfill.

Now this is of course sentimentality to an extreme, and so I asked myself “why do I feel the emptiness in the space of the dresser in the room?” got no answer. Just the same sadness of losing one possession after another.

A few weeks later I got rid of most of the stuff I owned and cherished having. And this disappearance of the possessions was more of a gradual one. Slowly but gradually, I happened to get used to the empty spaces in my apartment and them not being in their place got normal to me until their memory faded from my mind.

It was the sadness for losing my things I was used to, one after the other. Then I realised people are like things too. They come into your lives, fill in your empty spaces. Then when they are gone, the gaps are filled in by new people, new memories. That is probably when we realise that life is an art of “letting go.”

For a long time, we see ourselves struggling with this phrase. This phrase “let it go” used to really irritate me too because I did not know what it meant or exactly how to do it. And there are times when I still struggle with it a lot. As an analytical person, I need visual aids and practical steps to help me understand and accomplish things. Similar was the case with letting go.

As I got closer to reality, I realised that the art of letting go involves a conscious choice versus a physical action, that can be extremely challenging and scary. It can also be painful if it is not something you are ready to do: especially if your heart and mind are singing two different songs.

To understand the concept and break it down a little for all those of us who are also besieged to master the art of letting go, letting go in this sense would mean releasing all doubt, worry, and fear about a situation, person, or outcome.

Hit by reality as I landed in the next half of life in Kashmir. So, I had to master this art of letting go to stay in harmony with myself. I learnt it the hard way but I did learn it well in time, if not right in time. Because we all want things to be in a certain way than how they actually are. And that is where all these conceptions in our mind stem from. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with this idea – but it is just an idea. But to the extent it is causing difficulties, it would be helpful to let it go.

Imagine you are sad about or frustrated with or feeling bad about yourself, someone else, or a situation you are facing. Imagine that this frustration or feeling bad comes from an idea that things should be different than they are. Now imagine letting go of that idea. You are just left with the experience of this moment, just as it is. Not less not more. How freeing can it be??

No, this feeling of freedom is not about catching someone off the hook or letting yourself go off accountability, it is about freeing ourselves from the attachment to an idea that is causing some kind of suffering. It is about releasing anything that disrupts your happiness and no longer serves you on your journey.

The key realization is that the idea is just an idea. It is not that it is wrong or bad, but it is a mental conception, rather than reality. We can use such mental conceptions when they are helpful, but let go of them if they are not helping. It is always better to free ourselves in any such moment by realizing that there is a mental conception that we have created that is not required right now. And then it becomes easy to let it go.

So, how to practice all of this? With resilience, shielding your sanity, keeping it dignified and maintaining your composure, it is best to just let yourself feel the frustration as a physical experience in the body other than feeling frustrated or caught up in a fix. Show ourselves some compassion at that point.

There is nothing wrong about feeling low, just let yourself feel this emotion rather than trying to fix it. You can play around with this emotion; as to ask yourself do you want to keep feeling this way or would you want it to just evaporate and free yourself.

Look for things around you that you are grateful for, think about them until the feeling diminishes away with the sense of gratitude. Have a solid conversation with someone you completely trust and let them know that you are feeling a certain way.

Not every time will you be able to get the answers as to why you are feeling fixed in a situation. Hence, fully accepting the situation as it is without constantly wishing it would be different is really the better way to getting on the road to being okay.

And this is not only about accepting situations. We must start accepting people for who they are as and when they show their true character and believe in them that they are going to continue being this way.

And to truly let go, sometimes you must forgive people who are not even sorry. That takes so much strength and courage and humility.

Stay in the present, because present is all we have. We know we cannot go back and fix the past, and what happens in the future is not here yet. We must try every day to remember that and allow ourselves to appreciate what is unfolding right in front of us.

Being kind to yourself is the most important of all. As a gentle reminder, it is important that we honour where we are on our individual journeys of letting go. This is a process that may be more challenging for some than others. Know that wherever you are right now, it's okay.

This art of letting go is the survivor in all situations rather than staying in the past moment only to realise you are hurting your own self and the ones you love or those who you love.

Farah Khan is an Educator