The dangers of being stuck at rock bottom
Note: This piece is a reflection of personal dilemmas, which you might as well be caught up in. Follow on.
How much is too much? When should a person finally bring an end to something that has taken a toll on his psychological, emotional, physical, financial, and familial selves? His mind is the best trickster, dragging him into itunder the influence of never doing it ever again after it. He keeps deferring it for some divine time for the healing process to take place. You see, day and night pass, bouncing around between one hilarious activity and another of equal gravity. It is annoying him, yet knowing this “it” feels almost impossible.
At times, when he finishes doing it, “it”reveals itself, but dissecting it, understanding it, and relinquishing it stands ephemeral. Just like a magnet attaching iron to itself, “it” hugs him tight after a few days of bidding it adieu.
Future, what? Even though he has a glimpse of it, either promising or spoiled, he doesn't take the trouble to give thought to it. All eyes and all focus revolve around that bunch of wicked activities. Trust me, he regrets living this way. Everything is in his control, yet everything evades him. Life has been hell; living it as though enduring its painful flames. He is damaging himself; he knows. He has let the dark traits dwell in his heart, forever annoying him; he knows it, too. After all, more than a decade has passed this way—ten years.
Quite a long duration of time. Not a joke. It is like he stands on the base of a mountain, busying himself with harmful distractions, while looking toward the peak of it and seeing the caveat, ‘You are in danger’. The contradictory urges to both straighten out and stand where he is: in hell. Complicated life, isn’t it?
‘What is wrong with living at rock bottom forever and never touching on the idea of coming out of it and living reality?’ he thinks. Two things: rock bottom offers but dwam, nothing concrete. Just like a person does self-harm in times of grief. Grief: a reverie. Dealing with it: the doing, the seeing, and the feeling.
A life lived on mere fantasies is a life wasted; you don’t witness things on your own. Second, in the age of capitalistic economy, struggles, and rat racing, you can’t afford to escape into a hole, play fantasy, and busy yourself with cheap pleasures and rewards, can you? Even after knowing the downsides of being stuck at rock bottom, it feels promising, pleasurable, loving, and safe, and thus breaking free from it becomes an uphill trek.
Anyhow, he is now ready to call it quits, impartial in his resolve, and determined in his thoughts. The zeal and zest, you should see, my dear friends. It feels as if revolutionizing the world is his work, written by God. However, come days of consistent detachment with rock bottom, and frustration, anger, and anxiety pop up as other ‘Pareshani’ to deal with. It needs patience at this time, and he doesn't have it. Thus, he is back to the drill. The vicious circle continues from the rock bottom to resolve, to frustration of lacking something in life, to back to rock bottom. He hasn't consciously understood the cycle for several years. Imagine what life would look like living this way. Wrap it up with the complexity of complicating life rather than facing it head-on.
Yet another trick his mind is playing with him in the pursuit of giving him pleasures—instead of making him ready to face things—is “he had enough time to better himself." The philosophy of ‘he had time’ has existed for several years now. Months and years would wear on quickly, giving him the impression of them being weeks. At the age of eighteen, he did say it; at twenty-six, he said it again. The gap of eight years in between: utterly wasted on comfort zone, lazing around. Words fall short to write the exact adjective to capture the essence of how hilarious and painful life has been.
'Know thyself,' an age-old adage full of meaning. He applies it to his screwed-up self more often than not. Searching for answers, he digs deep into psychological and philosophical insights. In fact, he does research well. However, understanding himself feels too complicated and tangled. He tries to, though. He has understood himself now, he says. He’s free from the pain of regrets and present doings, he asserts. Who knows it, too, is ephemeral? Finding meaning while subconsciously keeping in mind that it is just a weak yardstick to falsely convince your mind that you’re now free from the lifestyle-induced sufferings adds another level of stupidity to it. Everything he did to better himself wasn’t impartial, nor is it even. No wonder.
So, what does it mean to bring change? Do we really have the capability to break free from the age-old pernicious lifestyle we might have adopted? What does it all take: a sacrifice, extreme compulsions, or something magically different? Change, this five-lettered word, isn’t a cup of cake, keeping in view the proportion of damage some of you may have caused to yourselves. This doesn’t either mean that we, fallible humans, are beyond repair.
Look at you and around you, take a deep breath, and ask for forgiveness. Energy cannot be destroyed, but only converted. Find an alternative. Equally promising but benefiting. Be gradual and soft in your approach. If change is to come, it must come impartially. Partially, you may fool yourself. This is all I have to say.
