Searching for justifications for mistreating parents is futile

In the expansive topic of familial dynamics, a persistent plea often comes in my inbox—an earnest request to explore the flip side of the coin, the perspective of adult children who perceive themselves as unjustly treated by their parents. Accusations of being a “parentist” surfaced, a term unfamiliar to me until recently. The sender asserted that I exclusively write about parents and never touch upon why adult children might be unfair to their parents. prompting an understanding into the intricacies of parent-child relationships. We will be talking about the less-discussed dimension of parental fallibility, offering a nuanced perspective on the dynamics between parents and their grown-up offspring.

Acknowledging the legitimacy of concerns raised by adult children is a crucial starting point. Parents, revered as pillars of support and guidance, are not immune to imperfections. They, too, can make errors, exercise lapses in judgement, and sometimes act in ways that may be perceived as hurtful or unfair by their adult progeny. This exploration seeks to bridge the gap in understanding, emphasising the importance of mutual empathy and compassion within parent-child relationships.

Undoubtedly, examining our own childhood experiences may reveal instances where we, as children, must have done things that were not liked by our parents. Growing up is riddled with times where children disappoint, frustrate, or even let down their parents. Yet, in most cases, parents respond with an unwavering sense of forgiveness, providing their children with the confidence to learn from their mistakes and move forward. They may have scolded us, but at the end of the day, they always forgave us. The sacrifices made by parents for their children are immeasurable, and it is essential to reflect on this when addressing any perceived injustices in adulthood.

Transitioning to the later stages of life, we witness the inevitable ageing of our parents, can we not overlook the occasional mistakes or behaviours that might seem unexpected? Aging brings about changes in mood, mental health, and physical well-being. Ageing is often likened to a return to childhood, implying a vulnerability to mistakes and unexpected actions. As children, can we not extend the same forgiveness and care that our parents offered us during our formative years?

Addressing the concerns that prompted this exploration, some adult children express feelings of unfairness towards their parents for seemingly trivial matters. One such example is the unequal distribution of chocolates to grandchildren—a circumstance that becomes a source of resentment. Yet, in these situations, it is crucial to consider the broader context of a lifetime of love, sacrifice, and care that parents have bestowed upon their children.

Seeking justifiable reasons for mistreatment of parents proves to be a futile exercise. In various religions, the virtue of kindness towards parents is exalted as an act of worship. Even from a legal standpoint, there is no provision for unfair treatment of parents, as exemplified by the Maintenance and Welfare of Parents and Senior Citizens Act, 2007. The wisdom embedded in religious teachings and legal frameworks underscores the universal principle that respect and care for parents transcend cultural, religious, and legal boundaries.

It is incumbent upon parents to adapt to the changing times, embracing a more accommodating mindset. While children are urged to appreciate the sacrifices and forgiveness of their parents, parents too are encouraged to understand the evolving nature of society. The phrase “in our times” should not be a barrier to empathy but an invitation to open dialogue and mutual understanding.

The sacred duty of respecting and caring for parents remains a cornerstone of ethical and moral principles across various belief systems. As adult children, our obligation is to extend gratitude, even in the face of unexpected behaviour, while parents are encouraged to embrace flexibility and acceptance. The Quranic verse, “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and do good to parents,” serves as a timeless reminder of the intrinsic connection between worship and kindness to parents, emphasising the deep significance of maintaining respectful and compassionate relationships within the family unit.