Our Extravagant Marriages!

We are all guilty of participating, if not organizing, in expensive marriages. Expensive marriages are  those that are marked by strain on pocket, mind, time, stress on family, wastage of time and food, accumulation of debt and environmental waste, anxiety to placate social ego or keep one’s false pride called taynt in Kashmiri. There can be no defense of them for those who know that all religions and great Masters of ethics speak against israf (spending beyond need) and tabzir (spending for forbidden things).

Every marriage in which food is wasted or part of precious human food given to dogs, or debt incurred, or interest based loans taken, or more than required clothes sewed, or such things as costly lehangas purchased and packed off for life, or it is made obligatory to exchange gold gifts – and all these while one has no secure livelihood or long term investment for livelihood or there is desperation amongst neighbours or relatives for small sums or needs – is cursed. All baraats with more than a trami of guests in mahraz sal are cursed.

There are over a dozen irrefutable reasons including overall deleterious impact on economy against expensive marriages. Almost all marriages are expensive nowadays. Deep down all of us know or feel the brunt of expensive problematic marriage – from spiritual, religious, moral, financial, environmental viewpoints. I am summing up some impression here and there.

Expensive weddings result in increased stress and distraction: Wedding days – in fact months – are stressful enough, and dozens of unnecessary frills and expenses make them even more so. On the other hand, a simple wedding helps keep focus on the bride and groom rather than decorations, accommodations, and food. We have no right of damaging our body and mind  by over-stressing for no reason. We know the Companions of the Prophet used to finish everything related to marriages in a day without stressing pocket or mind or family or relatives.

Expensive marriages affect all associated families though pockets of few capitalists and their sales agents may swell and that too at the formidable cost of time, stress, environment and community ethic. Every expensive marriage stinks as it smells of the devil who teaches israf and tabzeer. There is no barakah or blessing in weddings that indulge in expensive marriages. It is not angels but devils that dance in their midst.

It may be difficult to say no to someone who invites you with all sincerity but it is more difficult to suffer consequences to the soul if it involves participating in activities that are not for the glory of God but ego or the Devil that expensive marriages are by their very design.  Participating there without registering in some way one’s protest implies one is complicit in the perpetuation of the crimes of gender discrimination and domestic violence in the Indian subcontinent as these are linked to the perception of economic burden of a daughter’s marriage. Promoting expensive marriages ignores the fact that as many as (as noted in a study in Kerala)

• 41% of households depend on the banks for financing marriages
• about 30% of the Muslim households interviewed spent above 20 lakh rupees on gold with regard to the marriage and
• 10% of the Muslims  got married without dowry
• 5% of the lower income groups spent upto 2 lakhs towards dowry.

Expensive weddings bring financial consequences felt for years: If you are going into debt to pay for your wedding, please don’t. Financial pressures consistently rank as one of the top reasons for divorce.

Even if you do have the money saved, it can almost certainly be spent wisely elsewhere: paying off debt, a down payment on your first home, or even the honeymoon experience. I would add starting business or buying share in sheep farm.

Zero budget marriages are also possible, even for grooms. The cost of waleema for even 300 guests is below one lac and can be met from investing one lac in sheep farm with CCL or Cred Agro or farmer you know to be trustworthy.

A community that has no industry or great academic or research infrastructure can’t afford to spend more on clothes. The clothes for marriage can be managed in some thousands. Rest is israf.

We have examples of gold free marriages. A ring should be enough and this one can be donated or gifted by local marriage management committee. Mehr should be invested in special ethical investment fund called Mehr management fund of CCL. If every bait al-mal contributes one lac to the pool of marriage fund that shall act as rotating fund for marriage soft loan. We can also create a marriage app to which people subscribe by contributing 1000 per month making them in turn eligible to receive 3 times their  contribution as soft loan and receive all services – food and transportation for 300 guests free. If only one lac people subscribe to this plan  we get 100000 x 12000 = 1200000000, which means enough resources to marry off thousands,  though we may need to marry not more than 2 thousand  people in a given year. Subscriptions will start from age 20 of person to be married in order to promote marriage at younger age. We can request all retirees and Sadaqah givers to contribute rupee ten daily through automatic recurring subscription for marriage fund. The same idea can be expanded to finance house as well for married couples. Their savings would be invested to create silent income from partnership with local industries. Such associations as Alhaleef Welfare Association and JKYF in collaboration with local Bayootul Amwal can announce marriage assistance of 1 to 2 lacs to cover all key expenses and lay a foundation for livelihoods as well.

Expensive weddings hinder preparation for marriage: When it comes to joining two lives into one, how many flowers will be in each centerpiece at the reception dinner is the least of your concerns. You and your future spouse should be talking about plans for your life together, methods of communication, and family experiences that may result in mismatched expectations.

Expensive weddings are not necessarily more beautiful: I have attended expensive weddings that were beautiful, for sure. But I have also attended simple weddings that were even more beautiful and often showcased more of the bride’s (and groom’s) personality.

Simplicity, as they say, is the ultimate sophistication.

Rat race for expensive weddings: Thinking your wedding day must measure up to a purely subjective standard set by a friend or family member is a foolish way to spend your day. “Comparison is the thief of joy,” Theodore Roosevelt once famously said. Allowing it to creep into your wedding day, in any fashion, is a poor choice.Your wedding day is about you and your future spouse. Nobody else.

Expensive weddings often result in shorter marriages. There is evidence that “marriage duration is inversely associated to spending on the engagement ring and wedding ceremony. Against this, going on a honeymoon is significantly associated with a lower hazard of divorce. Based on these stats, spending money on your honeymoon is a wiser investment than money on the ceremony. Spending on monthly  get togethers/biannual trips is great cementing factor.

Community will add color and barakah to marriage. Let it be a mandate of mohalla committee to invite up to 300 guests which shall include first line relatives, second line relatives, neighbours and  friends – no office colleagues  on this day.

Let guilemeuth be called off and instead we deposit in the name of new couple gift money that would go to marriage management fund that may be utilized for purchase of books for couple, membership of interest free credit cooperatives, share in agrilivestock industry and marriage management fund and invested for creating silent income from local business partnership. It is possible and model mohallas be created as examples to be replicated.

How many couples you know who look back and regret the amount of money they wasted on their ceremony. Don’t join that list of madmen.

Postscript: We can create four jobs in every village from the budget on one wedding and a soft loan of ten lac which can be revolved to significantly help twenty cases of debt in a year in the locality. Anyone who has marriage may keep five thousand  available as soft loan for marriage and we have a solution to financing marriages. Let us say no to all wedding expenses (beyond mehr and waleema as there are enough clothes and vacant or underutilized houses for at least a generation)  for three years and we have lives of couples for life on track as their livelihood is taken care of.