Our Extravagant Marriages!
We are all guilty of participating if not organizing or complicity in organizing expensive marriages. Expensive problematic marriages are those that are marked by strain on pocket, mind, time, stress on family, wastage of time and food, and accumulation of debt and environmental waste, and anxiety to placate social ego or show off or keep one’s false pride called taynt in Kashmiri. There can be no defense of them for those who know that all religions and great Masters of ethics speak against israf (spending beyond need) and tabzir (spending for forbidden things). Every marriage in which food is wasted or part of precious human food given to dogs, or debt incurred or interest based loans taken or more than required clothes sewed or such things as costly lehangas purchased and packed off for life or it is made obligatory to exchange gold gifts or any thing is done for show off – and all these while one has no secure livelihood or long term investment for livelihood or there is desperation amongst 160 neighbours or relatives for small sums or needs – is cursed. All baraats with more than a trami of guest in mahraz sal are cursed as is any burden imposed or self imposed by bride’s family. being expensive gold Spending on marriages, especially by way of wiliema and what fosters community spirit, has been part of our traditional cultures, has There are over a dozen irrefutable reasons including overall deleterious impact on economy against expensive marriages. Almost all marriages are expensive nowadays – if we measure them by– in the middle and lower classes, not to speak of the elite one. Deep down all of us know or feel the brunt of expensive problematic marriage – from spiritual, religious, moral, financial, environmental viewpoints. I am summing up, quoting/paraphrasing and adding some comments of my own here and there.
Expensive weddings result in increased stress and distraction. Wedding days – in fact months – are stressful enough—and “dozens of unnecessary frills and expenses make them even more so. On the other hand, a simple wedding helps keep focus on the bride and groom rather than decorations, accommodations, and food.” We have no right of damaging by overstressing our body and mind for no reason. We know the Companions of the Prophet used to finish everything related to marriages in a day without stressing pocket or mind or family or relatives. Asking one’s near and dear one loan for marriage is problematic. Anyone who has mind and thinks his time matters can’t afford wasting time on planning or preparations for marriage. Marriage needs no preparations. One day you go to another house and accompany spouse. Wiliema can be outsourced to Mohalla committee or taziyet committee which is available at most places given we don’t bother about living people but only about dead. Let taziyet committees be given charge of wiliema and rechristened as Community Committees. Community should feed or serve bride’s family and not vice versa. Groom has to offer a feast of course.
We need to distinguish between The facts such as the following
- wedding industry is “a major economic driver, and in India it's estimated to be worth $130 billion, second only to food and groceries.
- “ Indians spend twice on weddings as they do than on education - average Indian spends about US$ 15,000 (Rs 12 lakh) per wedding .”
- “Jewelry constitutes the largest portion of wedding expenses, about 25% of the total spending, followed by catering at nearly 20% and eventsat around 15%. (Weddings are a significant driver for the jewelry industry, with 50-55% of the market dedicated to wedding jewelry, compared to 35% for daily wear and 20% for fashion wear.)”
- Houses get makeover at the time of marriage and new furniture is ordered. There are huge industries of apparel retail market, meat, milk and their products, tents, travel for destination wedding, dry fruits and beverages, match making and wedding planning, photography and decoration and what may be called the industry of overconsumption. “They generate jobs, infuse money into the economy, and provide a livelihood to everyone involved, from milk vendors, flower sellers, and wedding bands, to hoteliers, and everyone in between.”
- don’t constitute any justification for expensive marriages but marriages. Let us return to 70s when marriages were more simple and elegant and had community at centre and lasted longer and required less than 1/10th of present expenses in most cases. (in the US, wedding spending has increased 3000% since the 1950s! Extravagant, expensive weddings are becoming the norm).
Expensive marriages affect all associated families though pockets of few capitalists and their sales agents may swell and that too at the formidable cost of time, stress, environment and community ethic. Every expensive marriage stinks as it smells of the Devil who teaches israf and tabzeer. There is no barakah or blessing in weddings that indulge in expensive marriages. It is not angels but devils that dance in their midst. Many there are anxious about their looks or clothes or guilemeuth amount or feigning their love. It is vanity show with small groups Most make faces. Many are invited to avoid some harm or ill will that would otherwise follow. Those who are conscious of soul life or can see angels will avoid as far as possible places of expensive marriages. It may be difficult to say no to someone who invites you with all sincerity but it is more difficult to suffer consequences to the soul if it involves participating in activities that are not for the glory of God but ego or the Devil that expensive marriages are by their very design. Participating there without registering in some way one’s protest implies one is complicit in the perpetuation of the crimes of gender discrimination and domestic violence in the Indian subcontinent as these are linked to the perception of economic burden of a daughter’s marriage. Promoting expensive marriages ignores the fact that as many as (as noted in a study in Kerala)
- 41% of households depend on the banks for financing marriages
- about 30% of the Muslims households interviewed spent above 20 lakh rupees on gold with regard to the marriage and
- 10% of the Muslims got married without dowry
- 5% of the lower income groups spent upto 2 lakhs towards dowry.
- , Expensive weddings bring financial consequences felt for years.If you are going into debt to pay for your wedding, please don’t. Financial pressures consistently rank as one of the top reasons for divorce.
Even if you do have the money saved, it can almost certainly be spent wiser elsewhere: paying off debt, a down payment on your first home, or even the honeymoon experience. I would add starting business or buying share in sheep farm.
Zero budget marriages are also possible, even for grooms. The cost of wilema for even 300 guests is below one lac and can be met from investing one lac in sheep farm with CCL or Cred Agro or farmer you know to be trustworthy two or better three years before proposed day of marriage . Cost of one trami consisting of routine quantity of kabab, rista, gusthaba, qorma, Rogan josh, chicken, cheese, maethi, dahi and two sabzis is less than Rs 1000 on no profit no loss basis.
Cost of clothes really required is below 50k for bridegroom and 10k for bride. Rest is israf. A community that has no industry or great academic or research infrastructure can’t afford to spend more on clothes.
We have examples of gold free marriages. A ring should be enough and this one can be donated or gifted by local marriage management committee. Mehr should be invested in special ethical investment fund called Mehr management fund of CCL. If every bait al-mal contributes one lac to the pool of marriage fund that shall act as rotating fund for marriage soft loan. We can also create a marriage app to which people with sons and daughters to be married in future shall subscribe by contributing one k per month making them in turn eligible to receive 3 times their contribution as soft loan and receive all services – food and transportation for 300 guests free. If only one lac people subscribe to this plan we get 100000 x 12000 = 1200000000 which means enough resources to marry off 12000 cases though we may need to marry not more than 2k people in a given year. Subscriptions will start from age 20 of person to be married in order to promote marriage at younger age. We can request all retirees and Sadaqah givers to contribute rupee ten daily through automatic recurring subscription for marriage fund. The same idea can be expanded to finance house as well for married couples. Their savings would be invested to create silent income from partnership with local industries. Such associations as Alhaleef Welfare Association and JKYF in collaboration with local baitul amwal can announce marriage assistance of 1 to 2 lacs to cover all key expenses and lay a foundation for livelihoods as well.
- Expensive weddings hinder preparation for marriage. “When it comes to joining two lives into one, how many flowers will be in each centerpiece at the reception dinner is the least of your concerns. You and your future spouse should be talking about plans for your life together, methods of communication, and family experiences that may result in mismatched expectations.”
- Expensive weddings are not necessarily more beautiful. “ I have attended expensive weddings that were beautiful, for sure. But I have also attended simple weddings that were even more beautiful and often showcased more of the bride’s (and groom’s) personality.
Simplicity, as they say, is the ultimate sophistication.”
- Rat race for expensive weddings “Thinking your wedding day must measure up to a purely subjective standard set by a friend or family member is a foolish way to spend your day. “Comparison is the thief of joy,” Theodore Roosevelt once famously said. Allowing it to creep into your wedding day, in any fashion, is a poor choice.
Your wedding day is about you and your future spouse. Nobody else.”
- Expensive weddings often result in shorter marriages.There is evidencethat “marriage duration is inversely associated with spending on the engagement ring and wedding ceremony. Against this going on a honeymoon is “significantly associated with a lower hazard of divorce.” Based on these stats, spending money on your honeymoon is a wiser investment than money on the ceremony.
Spending on monthly get togethers/biannual trips is great cementing factor.
Community will add color and barakah to marriage. Let it be mandate of mohalla committee to invite upto 300 guests which shall include full family of first line relatives and two persons from second line relatives, one person , preferably women, 40 or 40x4 neighbours depending upon relative number of relatives and friends upto 20 friends – no office collagues on this day who have to your suggested first and second line relatives around 50 from mohalla itself everyone in local Mohalla be invited
Let guilemeuth be called off and instead we deposit in the name of new couple gift money that would go to marriage management fund that may be utilized for purchase of books for couple, membership of interest free credit cooperatives, share in agrilivestock industry and marriage management fund and invested for creating silent income from local business partnership. It is possible and model mohallas be created as examples to be replicated.
How many couples you know who look back and regret the amount of money they wasted on their ceremony. Don’t join that list of madmen.
If you’d like a blessed wedding, here are some helpful ideas to get you started:
- Set a budget below one lac for feast and rest of expenses 50k if you are groom. Invite all by paying them personal visit. This is the only meaningful pre-marriage preparation. No cards but hearts you make available and see how God’s angels will grace the occasion.
- “Choose elements that are important to you, but limit the number. Try fewer flowers, simpler decorations, or less food choices. You can keep many of the traditional elements without needing to go over the top with any of them.
- “Don’t shell out big money for expensive accommodations. “A simple mosque building or capacious house identified by Mohalla Committee can be just as beautiful as an expensive wedding chapel. “And if the time of year permits, a backyard can easily host an intimate, informal, unforgettable reception with little expense.”
- “Look for personal touches. A wedding ceremony that communicates your unique personalities and/or time together will always be considered more thoughtful by your guests than expensive add-ons bought at the bridal store.”
- “Realize the wedding industry is built entirely on convincing you that you need x. There are entire stores, catalogs, and websites in business today working tirelessly to convince you that you need xor y in order for your wedding to be perfect. They are wrong. You don’t need anything—except for maybe official paperwork from your state and a few witnesses to sign the document.”
- “Enjoy your simple, precious day focused on the things that matter most.
Marital happiness has nothing to do with your wedding ceremony. It has everything to do with the weeks and years and life together after.
That’s why the simplest weddings are often the happiest.”
P S We can create four jobs in every village from the budget on one wedding and a soft loan of ten lac which can be revolved to significantly help twenty cases of debt in a year in the locality.Anyone who has marriage may keep five k available as soft loan for marriage and we have a solution to financing marriages. Let us say no to all wedding expenses (beyond mehr and wiliama as there are enough clothes and vacant or underutilized houses for at least a generation) for three years and we have lives of couples for life on track as their livelihood is taken care of.
ShareShare
- Tasha Stoversays
We got married on the beach! Ordered a dress on line, had an arch with beechwood and flowers. Had a fresh bouquet . We did it for less than 1000$ including a rental house for wedding party!!!
- Lisasays
Great article. If brides and grooms would realized that the money spent on traditional type weddings which are really thrown to impress others could be spent so much more wisely on things such as purchasing a home, starting a family or even a vacation/honeymoon with lifelong memories and experiences, there would be many more happy couples in this country!
- Ronnie Randsays
HI Joshua, Thank you for being such an inspiration to so many people to improve their lives. A long time ago I read a book of yours and it mentioned donating wedding rings, I think to provide water to people in Africa? I would like to do this but can’t find the charity that does it. Can you please help me find it? Thanks
- joshua beckersays
The name of the charity is With this Ring: https://withthisring.org/
- Aimssays
Its not longer available this link
- Alice Taylor Sharrocksays
My husband and I are not conventional. Outdoorsy, yes. We spent $250 on our wedding and it was memorable. Simple too. Outdoors on a Blue Ridge Parkway overlook. A friend did the music beautifully with her guitar, 2 meaningful songs. 10 couples including my in-laws. My natural/casual bouquet was a mix of gorgeous roses raised by friends and my in-laws–again, meaningful. We wore interesting clothes–no expensive gowns etc. (Me: long linen riding skirt and riding boots, lacy blouse, pith helmet with long trailing chiffon scarf. Think “Out of Africa”. Husband: Akubra hat and western wear.) Deliciously squishy Napoleon pastries and champagne. We had a wonderful time, lots of laughter with friends, a gorgeous view overlooking the Shenendoah Valley below. And oh, yes, I traded my artwork to the preacher and to the photographer in lieu of $. We have just celebrated our 28th Anniversary and 28 years of love, laughter and adventures around the world. God is good!
Parents, well aware of the substantial costs entailed in extravagant weddings, often initiate preparations for this significant event from their children’s earliest years. However, this preparation, especially concerning girls, inadvertently instills a sense of burden as children witness their parents acquiring and storing gifts for their future matches.
This cultural practice extends beyond immediate families, with gifts exchanged among relatives, a practice that appears illogical. This financial strain often forces parents into a distressing choice between investing in their children’s education or financing their weddings, with the latter typically taking precedence despite the enduring value of education.
