On Divorce: Facts vs Fiction

Debates, discussion and controversies have become part of our daily online and offline interactions. We frequently encounter posts about road accidents, natural disasters, changing weather conditions, and religious matters on social media platforms, flooded with irrational and unreasonable comments and opinions.

Most of the time these opinions are grotesque, hilarious and disgusting. Consequently, you find the effect of these discussions on the daily lives and world views of the people. An important point to consider is that the issue at hand is not with social media itself, but with the content people share and how it is received by different groups. Rather, the point of this article is to tell people that if you are doing this then do it properly so that we can better counter misinformation, avoid the spread of false and polarized opinions, reduce stereotyping, and address distress more effectively.

Recently, I came across a discussion about divorce rates in Kashmir that, unsurprisingly, lacked factual accuracy. Various segments of society—including social workers, humanitarians, religious scholars, and sometimes politicians—often instill fear, claiming that the situation is dire. This article seeks to challenge this narrative and demonstrate that divorces are not inherently negative.

A perceived increase in divorces is not a sign of impending doom. In fact, divorces can be beneficial not only for the individuals involved but also for their children and society as a whole. By presenting accurate data and thoughtful analysis, this article aims to offer a more nuanced perspective on divorce, moving beyond perceptions shaped by isolated cases.

The true picture of divorce rates

Contrary to common perceptions, Jammu and Kashmir boasts one of the lowest divorce rates in India, according to the 2011 Census, with a rate of just 0.34%. This figure contrasts sharply with the divorce rates in several neighboring states. For example, Punjab reports a divorce rate of 1.5%, while Himachal Pradesh and Uttarakhand have rates of 1.4% and 1.6%, respectively.

Haryana has the highest rate among the neighboring states at 1.8%. The significantly lower divorce rate in Jammu and Kashmir indicates a markedly different trend in marital stability compared to these neighboring regions. In fact, fewer than one in a hundred people get divorced here. Thus, the concerns raised about a looming crisis appear to be unfounded.

Moreover, , It would not be an exaggeration to state that the broader challenge here is not the mere existence of divorce but the reluctance to pursue it when necessary. Stigmatized as a moral failing, societal pressure linking it to collective shame and family honor often deter individuals from opting for divorce, even in unhappy or unhealthy marriages. Economic dependency, with the fear of financial instability—particularly for women—as well as complex and costly legal processes and inadequate support systems, further complicate the decision.

Concerns about the impact on children and fear of social judgment reinforce this reluctance.

The danger of misleading perceptions

It's easy to get an incorrect view of divorce when we focus too much on a few dramatic or high-profile cases. When we see these situations, it can seem like divorce is more common or more of a problem than it really is. This narrow focus can distort our overall understanding. So, next time you hear about someone going through a divorce in your neighborhood, remember it’s just one person’s story and doesn’t imply that everyone is going through a divorce. It’s important not to let a few isolated cases shape your view of divorce trends.

Guidance from religious and social leaders

Leaders and influencers in our community play a crucial role in shaping public attitudes. But it is also essential for them to base discussions about divorce on accurate data rather than anecdotal evidence. Misleading information can foster unnecessary anxiety and stigma around this subject. Islam teaches a balanced view on divorce. For example in Surah Al-Baqarah (2:229), Allah says,  "Divorce is twice. Then, either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with kindness." Also, Surah An-Nisa (4:35),  "If you fear a breach between the couple, appoint an arbiter from his family and an arbiter from her family. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them."

It is important to note here  that some religious clergy and community leaders may inadvertently mislead people by portraying divorce as excessively common or as a failure. This perspective can exacerbate feelings of guilt or shame among those considering divorce, despite its permissibility and sometimes necessity according to Islamic principles. Community leaders and religious figures should strive to present a balanced view of divorce, grounded in accurate data and authentic religious teachings. By doing so, they can help reduce stigma and provide support to those facing marital difficulties, ensuring that the discussion around divorce is both respectful and informed.

Socio-cultural considerations

In Kashmir, the remarkably low divorce rate is a reflection of deeply rooted traditional values and cultural norms. This trend indicates that the community places a strong emphasis on maintaining marriage as a foundational social unit. However, these very values can sometimes create significant pressures that compel individuals, especially women, to remain in unsatisfactory or unhappy marriages.

For example, in many Kashmiri families, cultural expectations and societal norms may dictate that divorce is not an acceptable option, even in cases where individuals experience serious marital difficulties. Women, in particular, may face immense pressure to stay in marriages due to fears of social stigma, loss of family honor, or financial insecurity. This pressure can lead to emotional distress and negatively impact their overall well-being and that of their children.

Consider the case of a woman who, despite facing ongoing marital discord and personal unhappiness, might choose to remain in the marriage due to the fear of societal judgment or the potential impact on her children. This situation can create a challenging environment where family members are forced to endure unhappiness and conflict.

Encouraging open dialogue about marital issues is crucial for addressing these challenges. By fostering conversations within families and communities about the realities of marriage and divorce, individuals can make more informed and thoughtful decisions. For instance, support groups or counseling services that discuss marital difficulties openly can help individuals navigate their options and understand that seeking help or considering divorce is not necessarily a sign of failure but a step towards resolving deep-seated issues.

Supporting individuals through education and resources can also play a significant role. Providing access to counselling services, financial planning, and legal advice can empower people to make decisions that are in their best interest. For example, workshops or community programs that offer information on relationship management and divorce processes can help individuals understand their options better and reduce the stigma associated with seeking divorce.

In summary, while traditional values in Kashmir contribute to a low divorce rate, they can also create pressures that force individuals to stay in unhappy marriages. By promoting open dialogue and providing support, communities can help individuals make informed decisions, leading to healthier family dynamic and better outcomes for all involved.

by: Amir Sultan, Doctoral Candidate, Department of Psychology, University of Kashmir