On Being Judgmental

We are all judgmental. Yes, even you. I certainly am, many times. It’s human nature. And yet, while it is in our nature, it isn’t always useful to us. We look down upon others, as if we are so much better … and that divides people.

While all of us are guilty of being judgmental at some point or another, it’s a bad habit that can breed negativity. Being more open-minded can help us widen our horizons, gain new perspectives, and build healthier relationships. Being judgmental means looking at things through a lens of criticism, says Meghan Marcum, PsyD, chief psychologist at AMFM Healthcare.

Judgment is a cognitive ability that helps us assess people, situations, and relationships based on the sensory evidence available to us to come to conclusions and make decisions. Think about it for a second: we see someone, and based on their looks or actions, we pass judgment on him. Not good judgment, either; usually without even knowing the person. And that’s it - that’s usually the extent of our interaction with that person. We don’t make an effort to get to know the person, much less to understand him, or see whether our judgment was right or not.

As we trudge along life’s path, either we have judged or we have been judged. It may sound somewhat vacuous, but the fact remains that many of us may not agree because we have no cognizance of this empirical truth. Oddly enough, people with good judgment are not usually considered judgmental. Judgmental is a negative word to describe someone who often rushes to judgment without reason.

As critical as an overly judgmental person may be of others, the sword is often sharpest when they turn it on themselves. Given their wealth of knowledge about themselves, it’s also often the most debilitating. At the root of an overly judgmental mindset is a desire to keep others at bay. Through constant criticism and labelling, other people are kept at arm’s length, shrouded as they are in classifications like “bad” or “ugly,” as opposed to being seen for who they are. This generally comes from a distrust of others—many judgmental individuals assume that, if they let other people get close, they’ll wind up hurt. Because an overly judgmental person is generally threatened by others, he seeks to understand those he fears by labelling him. Thus, such a person will often be unable to tolerate ambiguity, as it makes it more difficult to fit said person into a neat little box.

In much the same way that overly judgmental people have difficulties accepting the variability of their fellow humans, they also struggle to see the mixed consequences of many actions. Instead of recognizing an act as, say, good in some ways and bad in others—as most are—they see an act which is either “good,” or “bad,” no ifs, ands, or buts. While most people are a bundle of confused—and often paradoxical—traits, an overly judgmental person will tend to focus on one such aspect of someone’s personality, allowing it to crowd out the rest.

Oftentimes, the flip-side to being overly judgmental is being a perfectionist. Since, in their mind, most things are subpar—including their own work— and thus in need of constant criticism, an overly judgmental person will tend to seek “perfection” as a way to escape this never-ending drumbeat of judgment. Unfortunately, as any perfectionist knows, the road to perfection is actually more of a bridge to nowhere. The fact is, an overly judgmental person is not exactly fun to be around. Despite possibly having many other good qualities, being in proximity to so much negativity can be exhausting for anyone. So, if your friends start dropping off like flies for what seems to be no good reason, you might want to ask yourself whether you’re doing something that is making them uncomfortable. And constantly criticizing others is certainly liable to do just that.

Learning how to be less judgmental can help us feel less stressed and strengthen our relationships. We’ll be able to look at people and the world from a more optimistic point of view, which can ultimately help us feel happier and healthier.

Dr. Marcum discusses some of the benefits of being less judgmental: (i) Wider horizons: Looking at circumstances without judgment allows us to consider additional perspectives outside our awareness and gain helpful insights into what other people experience. It can also help us increase empathy and compassion for people different from us. (ii) More positivity: Judgment comes from a place of negativity. Being less judgmental allows us to view the world with a more positive outlook. Research shows that having a positive attitude helps us live happier, healthier lives. (iii) Improved relationships: Feeling judged alienates others and makes it hard for them to trust us. Being compassionate and understanding on the other hand, helps build supportive relationships.

How to get rid of the habit of judging or at least becoming less judgmental? It is a skill that takes self-awareness, intention, and regular practice. It’s not about suppressing every snarky thought that pops into our head. Instead, it involves learning how to pause, reflect on our initial reactions, and approach the situation with a sense of curiosity instead of criticism. Dr. Marcum shares some strategies that can help us be less judgmental. Pay attention to our thoughts after recognizing that we’re doing it. Start paying more attention to our thoughts, so that we can identify when we’re being judgmental. Look for thoughts or phrases like: (i) “What is [person] doing/saying/wearing?” (ii) “[Person] should be doing [action] instead of [action].” (iii) “This [person/thing] is so [negative adjective].”

We should question our assumptions. If we have a negative view of someone, let’s ask ourself what it’s based on. Did we formulate our view based on facts? Do we have all the relevant information or do we need to inquire further about the situation? We should also recognize our biases and cultural standards. We should understand that our own view of life is limited based on our own experiences and that other people with different cultural, social, professional, religious, or ethnic backgrounds may not share the same views. We should try to put ourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective.

Practice empathy and compassion for people, even if they look, think, dress, speak, or act differently than we do. Think about how we have felt when someone formed an opinion of us that wasn’t accurate. Didn’t we feel hurt, angry, upset, ashamed, embarrassed, or disappointed? Let those feelings guide us toward being more compassionate toward others.

We should make an effort to expand our horizons and expose ourself to new ideas and perspectives. Meet new people and talk to them about their lives. Experiment with different activities and try new foods. Read lots of books and watch informative content. Travel as much as you are able to.

Practice Positivity. With practice, we can develop a more positive mindset. If we catch ourself thinking something negative about something or someone, let us challenge ourself to see something positive in the situation instead. We can also take a few minutes every night to list the good things that happened that day and be thankful for all the things we’re grateful for.

Dealing with a judgmental, critical person isn’t easy. It might be a friend, co-worker, boss, family member, or even a complete stranger; no matter where it’s coming from, it can be draining and frustrating. Their unsolicited commentary can leave us feeling hurt, misunderstood, and defensive. While we can’t control what others do or say, we can certainly control how we respond. Here are some tips that can help us keep our peace when someone around us can’t stop being so judgmental: (i) Don’t take it personally. Even though it probably *feels* personal, their rude comments say a lot more about them than they do about us. (ii) Set clear boundaries. Let them know that their comments are out of bounds.

We should maintain our boundaries without getting sucked into their drama. A simple statement like “I’m not asking for feedback” or “That’s not helpful” may help curb their incessant negative feedback. (iii) Explain our perspective if they’re willing to listen. If they want feedback on why their commentary is uncalled for, feel free to give it. Just try not to get caught up in a verbal spar with them. (iv) Let us limit our exposure and distance ourself from them as much as we can if their behaviour doesn’t change.

Finally, let us remember that we don’t need their approval. Let their opinion stay theirs while we forge our own ideas and beliefs about what matters to us.

Bhushan Lal Razdan, formerly of the Indian Revenue Service, retired as Director General of Income Tax (Investigation), Chandigarh.