Not feminine enough, unapologetically
Over the years, I’ve often been told I’m “not feminine enough” or that I come across as more masculine. Whether it’s how I walk, dress, or interact with friends, these comments have never offended me. Instead, they’ve prompted reflection: what does it truly mean to be feminine? Does femininity hinge on wearing heels, speaking softly, or suppressing my cravings to maintain some dainty image? Does it mean agreeing with others to avoid conflict or showcasing a delicate demeanour?
These questions linger whenever someone calls me a “cool dude,” questions my standards for men, or suggests I should “act more like a woman.” And yet, after years of internal exploration, I’ve come to a liberating conclusion: there’s nothing wrong with me. I was raised to be tough and strong, and if that challenges societal ideas of femininity, so be it. I value who I am and reject the narrow, stereotypical moulds that society imposes on women.
The chains of traditional femininity
Society has long assigned specific roles to women, often defined by physical beauty, emotional sensitivity, and submissiveness. These expectations are not only outdated but harmful, stifling individuality and creativity. Women who defy these norms are often criticised, labelled “too assertive,” or considered “unladylike.”
Historically, femininity has been synonymous with submissiveness and domesticity. Girls are often raised to prioritise others’ needs, be nurturing, and seek validation through their appearance. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with these traits, problems arise when they become the sole measures of a woman’s value.
For women like me, who stray from this narrative, criticism can feel personal and isolating. But it’s not just personal—it’s cultural. These rigid expectations are a remnant of a past where a woman’s worth was tied to her compliance, not her capabilities.
The evolving face of femininity
Thankfully, the definition of femininity is evolving. In modern times, women are embracing roles and traits traditionally deemed masculine. Strength, assertiveness, and independence are now seen as vital aspects of femininity, rather than opposites of it.
Take, for example, New Zealand’s former Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern. Her leadership style blends empathy with decisiveness, proving that compassion doesn’t dilute strength— it enhances it. Similarly, athletes like Serena Williams and Simone Biles redefine physical power and competitive grit while embodying grace and vulnerability. These examples show that femininity isn’t about fitting into a mould but rather embracing a spectrum of possibilities.
The role of upbringing
Much of how we perceive gender and femininity is shaped by upbringing. I was raised to be resilient, not because it was trendy but because it was necessary. This resilience helped me navigate a world that often equates femininity with fragility. But in embracing these traits, I often felt out of sync with traditional notions of womanhood.
This dissonance isn’t unique to me. Many women struggle with societal pressure to conform, leading to internal conflict and feelings of inadequacy. Recognising that femininity is not a one-size-fits-all concept is essential. It’s fluid, complex, and unique to every individual.
Finding my “invisible tribe”
What has helped me the most is surrounding myself with people who accept me as I am. I’ve found a tribe—my “invisible tribe”—who celebrate womanhood beyond traditional norms. They understand that vulnerability isn’t weakness, self-care isn’t selfish, and craving respect and autonomy doesn’t make someone less of a woman.
Research supports the importance of such relationships. Social support significantly impacts mental health, helping individuals cope with stress and build resilience. In a judgmental world, having a network of empathetic, non-judgmental people is invaluable.
Redefining femininity for the future
The journey to redefine femininity is far from over. For future generations, we need to foster a more inclusive understanding of gender. Femininity should be about authenticity, not adherence to outdated stereotypes.
Educational initiatives and diverse media representations play a key role. By showcasing women in all their diversity—leaders, athletes, artists, and beyond—we can dismantle rigid stereotypes. Encouraging individuality and self-expression from an early age can lead to a society that values character over conformity.
Celebrating diversity in femininity
Femininity isn’t confined to how one looks, acts, or dresses. It’s a broad spectrum of traits and behaviours, all of which are valid and valuable. By celebrating this diversity, we empower not just ourselves but future generations.
So, to those who question my femininity, I say this: I am feminine enough for those who see beyond the surface. Beneath the “cool dude” persona is a woman proud to be strong, critical, and unapologetic. By challenging traditional notions of femininity, I—and countless others—prove that there’s no wrong way to be a woman.
Author is a menstrual health educator, currently pursuing Masters Degree in Social Work at University of Kashmir