Marriages of Our Elders and Ours

Decades ago, Kashmiri marriages embodied a profound sense of commitment, duty, and devotion, where relationships were nurtured by shared values, mutual respect, and an unwavering sense of togetherness. Known popularly as Peer Waer (the abode of saints), these marriages in Kashmir, were once sanctified by tradition, strengthened by love, and blessed by family and community. The marital bonds, at a time when our elderly lived, reflected the beauty and depth of human connection that now seems to have turned into a business deal. When I look back at those days when our elderly married their children, I am totally shocked to witness a series of changes to have crept in the marriages now with a lot of unnecessary customs attached that leave the families bankrupt for years to come.

And if this money-oriented approach went on for some more years, I believe, the days are not far when hardly any marriages will take place in Kashmir. Simple marriages are successful, and that is what our Elderly in their time very wisely did. The pomp and show remains for some days, and then finally lands us in trouble.

I fondly recall how marriages were so plainly performed in Kashmir everywhere then. No more unnecessary importance was given to the middle man, called Mazimyoer (marriage broker or matchmaker) who nowadays have made match making their profession. The decision to marry one’s son or daughter was straight away taken by the elders, by either the grandfather or the father of the son or the daughter. Nobody’s intervention was accepted to spoil the very sanctity of the relationship or disturb the very fabric of the family.

Once, our elders would find somebody’s daughter as a good match for their son or vice-versa. They would straight away visit that family and talk to elders there about it. Such was the simplicity. In majority of the cases, nuptial knots were made while our Elderly puffed smoking on Jajeer (traditional Hookah) and settled the marital bond of either their children or grandchildren. Such decisions were ultimate—and nobody dared to go against such decisions, come what may.

And see the obedience, respect and compliance of the children who were getting married. They would very late come to know that they have been involved in a marital bond by their elderly. There was no question of rejection or refusal at all from their side. They would keep mum, and do accordingly what their elders told them because they knew that their elders’ decisions were wise and prudent. And, literally, such choices paid them productively in the long run, and such martial bonds were indisputably successful.

Now look at the present scenario. A middle man has made it his job. He has his own diary where he fills in the bio-details of a boy or a girl. He goes from one area to another for his own Bakchaish (tip) as if he is doing a Govt. survey. He deliberately delays in making the bonds at times, so that he becomes more significant for both sides and gets some hefty amount as his compensation. See the brazen approach of the parents, they keep trusting these brokers and spoil the precious years of their children in what has become the trend. And in order to find a good match for their son or daughter, and giving preference to material pursuits mostly, they lastly go to the extent where their children cross the age bar, and remain unmarried. Yes, this is the absolute truth. Despite knowing this all, we all act like mute spectators thereby heading towards a mark, where each day becomes a doomsday for the parents.

For years, our daughters remain unmarried despite having a marriageable time. Our elders at present, who could play in their pivotal role, have totally left it to these middle men who visit their family quite often and get their tip. Our innocent daughters are treated like show pieces in a shop where everyone passes by and looks at it. But, this was not done in our elders’ time. There was no ostentatious and showy attitude or any superfluous attachments fastened to these marriages. No business deal was done, no dowry demanded, no more bargaining etc. was made.

What would usually happen was that a sheep, a quintal of rice and some clothes were sent to bride’s home in advance so that they don’t come across any trouble to arrange a simple feast for the bridegroom’s party. And when the pre-wedding night, called Maenzra’at arrived; women of the family would ask the Mohalla women for the Wanwun (singing). No doubt, nowadays, chefs have their own set of utensils to cook Wazwan (our traditional feast). Yet, in those days, for Wazwan preparation, utensils were collected from the neighborhood. I vividly remember, I was taken along to keep a record of utensils on a notebook we collected from the locality because my handwriting in Urdu was neat. Even women would take me along in the village to get that Dapen (candies, amount etc given as a gift) in a written record. However, today, life has become so fast and high-speed that nobody has time to nurture relations and be with the kith and kin in times of happiness and grief. I shouldn’t hesitate to say that ‘we don’t have time to spend our time’.

Though decades have gone by, yet, I haven’t forgotten that participation in a Bara’at (groom’s procession) that led us to Kutru Naribal village from Dangiwacha on foot while the bridegroom was on the horse. We reached there around midnight and no sooner we rested a while than we fell asleep and woken up the next day. Even if such marriages were simple, they had so much charm unlike present day extravagant marriages where a bride has to arrange gifts for the whole family and relatives of the bridegroom.

To sum up, the tale of two marriages up —then and now, makes me wrap up that the marriages of our elders were rooted in simplicity, sincerity, and heartfelt celebrations, and were filled with profound meaning and spiritual significance—reflecting the true essence of union and togetherness. The purity of intention and sincerity of heart, in those marriages, truly made them special with the focus on the union, not the extravagance. We need to go back to the roots and seek out wisdom from how our elderly performed their children’s marriages in a very simple and wise manner. The sooner, the better.

Dr Rafeeq Masoodi IBS (Rtd) is former Sec. Cultural Academy & ADG, Doordarshan, Srinagar