Kashmir’s Elderly Matriarchs
Often seen as the emotional center of the family, women are the family makers who provide support, understanding, a sense of unity and a significant role in creating and maintaining family life. No doubt, presently, women’s roles within families are becoming more diverse, making choices that align with their personal aspirations and circumstances, yet, there was a time when these women used to remain busy in nothing except household chores including childcare, cooking, cleaning, and other domestic tasks.
At present, in our societies, such elderly women whom we knew as Ded, Maas, Paechen, etc. are totally neglected-as if they were never part of a family. Once revered for their strength, wisdom, tolerance, etc. these elderly matriarchs were known as an epitome of patience, affection, love , care and strength in every mohalla. Unlike today, they didn’t have any Hash-Nosh (Saas Aur Bahu) competition in their lives. All they spent their precious time with, was to take care of their families and nothing else which they protected like brave soldiers in all circumstances. They didn’t divide their families themselves like what is done nowadays.
Ours is a modern society where a Hash(mother-in-law) is grinding her own axe, and Nosh( daughter-in-law), her own. Hash has throat-cut competition with his Nosh because both are heroic and are hellbent to defeat each other in different aspects; what then at the end they find their whole family fallen apart. How fortunate are the families where a Badh Hash (elderly mother-in-law) is still alive! In such families, one gets to learn much. Such families are still at peace because there the Baadh Hash doesn’t let her Nosh to give too much of freedom to her tongue on her own Nosh and to ruin the family. Those elderly women were truly role models who held a significant place in every family by putting together their all family members, called Thoop Karun (Unity) in local parlance.
Living with peace, patience, love and care in joint families, and having affection towards one another, especially, towards daughters-in-law that too at a time when every family constantly felt trapped in the pangs of poverty, is something undoubtedly praiseworthy. And the credit for this all goes to those brave elderly women who didn’t let their families get disintegrated at any time. In those elderly mother-in-law’s time, domestic violence, suicides, harassments, etc. was not a concept at all. Amid financial hardships, those elderly women took care of their large families and believed in ‘live & let live’ formula.
Nowadays, a single Nosh (daughter-in-law) isn’t treated genuinely in a family (exceptions aside) but then in the time of those elderly matriarchs, (many) daughters-in-law were decently dealt with. How sad! Despite so much of luxuries and enlightenment, we still see families disturbed in our society. One wonders where these family quarrels and court cases shall finally lead us to. However, in days of our elderly mothers-in-law, there used to be unique charm among families. It was a time when elders were affectionate and youngesters were respectable; a time when Nosh was treated as a daughter, and Hash, a mother.
If it isn’t wrong to mention, Kashmir has totally been deprived of those elderly mothers-in-law whom we called Ded, Kakin, Paechin, Maas, etc. I have myself seen so many families getting divided after those elderly women had passed away. Sundershan’s beautiful poetry, charismatically sung by Jagjit Singh in his melodious voice , sometimes not only breaks me into tears when he sings:
mohalle kī sab se purānī nishānī, vo budhiyā jise bachche kahte the naanī. Vo naanī kī bātoñ meñ pariyoñ kā derā, vo chehre kī jhurriyoñ meñ sadiyoñ kā pherā. Bhulā.e nahīñ bhuul saktā hai koī, Vo chhotī sī rāteñ vo lambī kahani.
But, it also reminds me of the rich life of those elderly women who though formally little educated, embodied tolerance, wisdom, affection, resilience, love and care in, weaving together the fabric of their families and communities with threads of tradition, strength, and devotion. Their lives, marked by challenges and triumphs, serve as a testament to the enduring power of maternal love and familial bonds. As silent guardians of family values, they inspire us even today, with their stories of wisdom and unwavering dedication. Their legacy is a treasure trove of experiences, lessons, and love, enriching the lives of those around them and leaving an indelible mark on the valley’s social fabric.
The writer hails from Sopore
