Intergenerational Gap to Bonding

From my earliest memories, I’ve watched my mother endure taunts and torment at the hands of my grandmother. Despite my grandfather’s affection for us, it was clear that my grandmother had little love for her three granddaughters. What’s even sadder is that she held a special grudge against me because, you see, she had anticipated a grandson when I was born.

My entry into this world was met with disappointment. My grandmother had hoped for a male heir, and when she discovered I was another girl, she made her displeasure known. This was evident when, immediately after my birth, my mother, my two older sisters, and I were asked to stay at my maternal grandparents’ house (matamaal) for two years. The reason? I was the third daughter, and this was a fact they couldn’t easily overlook.

It took the intervention of our elders and the strained relationship between my maternal uncle (mama) and his wife (mami), due to our prolonged stay, to finally bring us back to our own home, courtesy of my father.

Now, as I reflect on these events, I’ve come to realise that they hold valuable lessons for all of us. First and foremost, it’s a reminder that a child’s gender is determined by the father’s genes, not the mother’s. Often, the blame or pressure is placed on the mother, but it’s crucial to understand that the mother plays no role in determining the gender of her child. This knowledge should serve as a shield for mothers who face such unjust expectations.

Furthermore, it’s high time that in-laws, especially grandmothers, recognize that Islam has never accepted discrimination between a boy and a girl. In the eyes of the Creator, there is no difference. In fact, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) emphasised the importance of having daughters and considered those with daughters as particularly blessed.

Islam values daughters highly, and it’s essential to uphold these teachings in our lives. Having daughters should be celebrated, not resented. We need to educate ourselves and others about the noble status of daughters in our faith. Another crucial lesson we can draw from this story is the importance of family harmony. My father played a pivotal role in navigating and balancing the relationships between his children and his parents. Despite the hardships and the unwarranted discrimination we faced, my mother never asked him to sever ties with his parents. It was a realisation that came to my grandmother rather late in life.

The transformation in our family dynamic has been heartening to witness. My grandmother’s change of heart towards all her grandchildren, regardless of their gender, shows that love and understanding can bridge even the widest generation gaps. She now treats us all equally and is genuinely concerned about our well-being.

My story may have begun with disappointment and unfair treatment, but it ends with lessons of love, acceptance, and the importance of standing up for what is right. Let’s hope that my grandmother’s regret can serve as a lesson for all of us to cherish and celebrate the blessings of daughters and to treat them with the love and respect they deserve.

After all, having daughters is a divine blessing. In a world where gender equality and justice are ever more important, my story tells of the change we need in our attitudes and beliefs. It’s time we welcome our daughters with open hearts, understanding that they are indeed precious gifts from Allah, deserving of our love and care, regardless of the expectations society may place upon them.

Tanzeela Ashraf, Bemina