How to raise a daughter-lessons from Dad!

A mother’s love is timeless, sung by poets, celebrated by artists, documented by historians; religious scriptures and scholars have compared it with Divine love. But then there are fathers too - the less celebrated selfless pillars who toil hard ensuring care, comfort and protection for their families. Fathers are special for daughters. With fathers around, your safety, care and comfort is ensured, but when fathers are gone there is a permanent gap in your life that no one else can fill.In the present times it is not easy to be a parent. I often revisit my childhood memories, drawing lessons on parenting from my father. Here I briefly summarise a few of those lessons on the fifth death anniversary of my father.

When I hear how my father welcomed me, a fourth daughter in the family, I am filled with pride, thankfulness and an intense love for him. I was welcomed not with a frown or a sigh but a broad smile and a whisper of Allah-o-Akbar into my ears - my father singing the prayers of the Lord and celebrating my birth as a gift and a bounty from Allah. This was the time when the birth of girls was not celebrated routinely - a time when boys meant delight and strength, and girls were greeted with gloom, silence or grief. This act stood as an example of love, gratitude and faith for the entire clan. The lesson learnt was: Feel happy when a daughter is born and express that happiness! Every girl wants to know how her family reacted when she was born- let it be a moment about which she wants to hear again and again..

The four of us were raised with care under the watchful eye of our father. He displayed an unusual combination of strictness and softness, a combination of sternness and sensitivity. There were no restrictions on us. Like our brother, we could play, hop, skip and jump outdoors. We could shout, scream and make a noise like the boys of our neighborhood. We could climb a tree, run a race or play with bat and ball as readily as the boys around. There were no separate rules for us. This experience taught us to be tough in life and bolstered our confidence. Thus, the second lesson learnt was: Do not put too many Do’s and Don’ts on your young girls. Let them play indoors, but let outdoors teach them too!

In our school days, our father would teach us and patiently spend hours helping us with our homework and assignments. He would help us to sharpen our pencils with old blades, help us to fit pencils into the compasses, draw circles and cubes, fill ink into the tummy of our ink pens and whatnot! In those good old days, he sat for hours making charts for us, drawing maps with us and scripting essays and debates for us.

Besides studies, Dad enjoyed combing and trimming our hair, paring our nails, polishing our shoes and packing our bags with care. These acts deepened his bond with us, making our relationship more informal and friendly, while keeping him closely involved in our everyday lives. The third lesson hence learnt was: get involved with your kids and be there for them in the tasks that seem small and insignificant. These seemingly insignificant acts leave a lasting impact on your children.

When my elder sisters opted to study Science, it was seen as an unusual desire. Girls from conservative families studying Science came as a shock to many of our well-wishers. They came out with one hundred odd reasons justifying why studying Science was unsuitable for girls. But, my father insisted that if Science was what his daughters wanted to pursue, then come what may-it was Science that they would.

Studying outside Kashmir was not the norm those days, but when my elder sister wanted to study in Delhi and another one at Patna, Dad happily allowed them. Studying outside meant breaking the norms, defying the tradition and becoming a subject of neighbourhood gossip. Here was a fragile man holding the hands of his daughters who were trying to move against the tide .. Dad ran with them on the ground, building their momentum to let them fly into the horizon, waiting for them. The next lesson learnt was: have courage to defy conventions when they stand in the way of the dreams of your children (here daughters).

Marriage is a challenge for girls. Marriage keeps many dreams on hold, many ambitions are silenced, and many great desires buried. Our father stood behind us, reminding us of our goals, our duties and helped us to cope up with difficult circumstances as and when they arose. The crucial and fragile cycle of work, family life and aspirational goals was perfectly maintained thanks to Dad, who worked behind the scenes to support us physically and emotionally. With our father’s unconditional support, we could pedal through life’s tough path with ease. He prepared us beforehand for the challenges that lay ahead of us. He would always insist on moving ahead in life with our heads held high, never lowering our self-esteem. He molded himself with changing times and adjusted well with his grandkids, teaching them not just Maths and English but morals, ethics and discipline. We could come home at any hour without a thought, knowing well we would not be asked what made us come so late or so early. He respected our privacy and the privacy of our families, never interfering in our private matters. The next lesson learnt was: support the dreams of your daughters after marriage too, without interfering in their personal lives. Let that support be unconditional.

We imbibed the qualities of honesty, truthfulness, fearlessness, and hard work from our father. He was always straight and to the point. He did not give lectures and sermons, but we grew up seeing him live the principles that he held dear. For us, his greatest attribute was his unending care and respect for us. I remember him getting up and vacating his seat for his daughters. This gesture made us feel loved, respected and carried a positive vibe through the entire gathering where he displayed this gesture.The lesson hence learnt:Live your principles, your children will imbibe them..

I wish I could bring up my daughters as nicely as my father did-I wish I am able to implement the lessons that my father taught in my own life.

Dr Rumana Makhdoomi,

Professor, Dept of Pathology, SKIMS, Srinagar, J&K.