Heartbreaks at the Hands of Sons

Recently, I met a patient with a surprising complaint that left me bewildered. When I asked him about his problem, he replied in an aggressive tone, “I can’t reconcile.” This was indeed an unusual statement, and as I asked more about his problem, I unravelled a saddening story of strained family ties and unmet expectations.

This man, a father who lost his wife to COVID, was living with one of his daughters. His son, who was having a religious function about Seerat-un-Nabi at his home, had a distant relationship with his father.

The son invited some religious scholars and relatives for the event. The old man, feeling somewhat estranged from his son, recounted how his son had left his ailing parents without much care. The son’s interactions were limited to occasional phone calls, infrequent visits, and rare invitations that made the parents feel like mere guests.

The breaking point came when the son casually invited his father to the religious function. The father, expecting a more heartfelt invitation, felt disappointed. He believed that, as a father, his son should have approached him sincerely, ensuring his presence at the function was more than just a formality. Disheartened, the father chose not to attend the function, and it proceeded without him.

As a doctor and counsellor, my attempt to offer a perspective of understanding was met with a stern response. He said, “I read your writings every Sunday, and you encourage being good to parents, but today you also have taken a U-turn.” I reassured him that it wasn’t the case, but he insisted that I share his story without naming him, shedding light on a prevalent issue in Kashmir – heartbreaks at the hands of sons.

He urged me to pose an open question to all, particularly to religious scholars: “Can anyone provide a single reason or justification why a son should be unfair to his parents, or in my specific case, why shouldn’t my son ensure his father’s presence at a function?”

In Kashmir, these heartbreaks are unfortunately common. The cultural fabric, deeply woven with traditions and family values, is marred by instances where children seem to fall short in their responsibilities towards ageing parents. The old man’s story reflects a deeper issue that goes beyond his individual experience.

Parents, especially in their twilight years, expect a level of care and consideration from their children. The emotional toll of feeling neglected or treated as mere obligations is significant. In this case, the father’s desire for a sincere invitation was more than a request to attend a religious function; it was a plea for acknowledgment, love, and the assurance that he mattered to his son.

It’s crucial to consider both sides of the story. The son may have reasons for his actions, but the emotional impact on the father cannot be ignored. Understanding, communication, and empathy are key ingredients in mending such familial rifts.

Religious preachers, who often play a vital role in guiding communities, can contribute by emphasising the importance of honouring parents. In Islam, respect and kindness towards parents are paramount.

Religious functions, like the Seerat-un-Nabi event in this story, should be opportunities for strengthening familial bonds, not for further straining them.

As a society, we need to reflect on the values we uphold and the importance we place on family bonds. Sons and daughters must recognize the impact of their actions on their parents’ emotional well-being. Open communication, sincere gestures, and genuine efforts can go a long way in healing these wounds.

Numerous individuals engage in prayers and organise religious functions, yet paradoxically, some of them may exhibit unfairness towards their parents. This paradox underscores the need for introspection within individuals who outwardly express religious devotion while neglecting their responsibilities towards their parents. In exploring this contradiction, it becomes evident that true righteousness encompasses both devotion to one’s faith and the fulfilment of duties towards parents.

The heartbreaks faced by parents at the hands of their children are sad tales that demand our attention. The father in this story is not alone; his experience echoes the sentiments of many in Kashmir. It’s time for us, as a society, to introspect, empathise, prioritise and recall, “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and do good to parents”.

Dr Zubair Saleem is a Senior Geriatric Consultant and a Gerontologist