Gateway to  happy life

We live in a world that conceptually and empirically prioritises improving interpersonal relationships. There is an abundance of research that  explains benefits of having healthy positive relationships; compassion and forgiveness  and nobody can deny those benefits ; but unfortunately in this race of being good to others we many times forget being good to ourselves.  We silence ourselves just to be accepted by others. Self silencing is one of the brutal forms of  self- harm.  By being unable to say no to unreasonable and undesirable demands and requests we let people ride us; use and control us. We let others disrespect us and exploit us in the name of love. At times we become overly receptive to the environmental influences to the extent that we silence our ideology and beliefs just to fit in the crowd. We lack audacity to stand by our convictions and as a result though we apparently follow the crowd and trend, but deep inside we feel the dissonance between our thoughts and actions. We  idealise others while disowning or shaming ouselves.

We forgive others but don’t forgive ourselves if things go against the way we planned.  It's not uncommon to see people  blaming or punishing themselves for the things they are not responsible for. For example, there are many infertile women who assume that their infertility is a punishment from God or there are many young males/females who have been betrayed by the persons they love/trust and then they start hating themselves for being unworthy of love or feel guilty for  having been fooled. Though every mistake is a lesson to learn but it's not always about us. We  should avoid adding to our miseries by personalising things. Whenever we fail or are shunned the first thing we should do is to accept the reality and give ourselves warmth and affection. We shouldn’t disown or curse ourselves but rather gear up for the better future.  If we make any personal, academic or occupational decision and it didn’t turn well, we start disowning ourselves, shaming ourselves. But that is the crucial time when we need to embrace ourselves and show compassion to ourselves just as we will do to our friend in the same situation. We need to tell ourselves: ‘this is not the end of the life; lets get up and look for the better ways. Anybody can love or appreciate himself/herself when they do any good but only few have the courage to give unconditional love and respect to themselves.

An influential psychologist at Texas University  Kristin Neff, author of the book ,”Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself;  calls for a paradigm shift and emphasises that we need to be equally compassionate to ourselves and others. She introduced the term self compassion defined as ‘directing compassion inward by being kind, understanding rather than harshly self-critical especially when we fail, make mistakes or feel in adequate’.  We must achieve and combine three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate

First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental.  Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity,  it means we need to look at the things as a part of common human experience; rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. For instance; if  we fail in exams/business or are cheated by our spouse, we need to remind ourselves -  I am not the only one, there are countless people sailing in the same boat. Third, it requires mindfulness—it means to live fully in present and without any distortion or exaggeration of things. It means to be at peace we need to live and work in present rather than ruminating about past mistakes or worrying about uncertainties/ apprehensions regarding unseen future.

Christopher Germer, an influential  Harvard psychologist in his book “The Mindful Path to Self Compassion” emphasised  self care/physical aspect of self compassion. He added, “Comfort your body. Eat something healthy. Lie down and rest your body. Massage your own neck, feet, or hands. Take a walk. Anything you can do to improve how you feel physically adds to the over all quality of life and well being.

Take Away:

You are the real hero ….the unsung hero. So let's spend a moment to look back and realise how much you have endured and conquered in life and take a pride in being you ….the beautiful you…..the survivor you ….you are the real hero not the one who is playing scripted role in the filtered social media.

Author is  pursuing PhD in Psychology at University of Kashmir and is passionate learner of psychology from last 12 years.