Food Critic Father

This is a familiar scene in the households of the valley: the man of the house sits at the dastarkhān, checks the prepared dishes, pours some onto his plate, and suddenly, after having a morsel, pushes the whole plate away. Then follows the unwanted, belittling critiques, and the person forgets that Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) has said, “Do not criticize the food; if you like it, eat it; and if you dislike it, leave it.” This is a core value in Islam, and people in the valley who claim to be Muslims are expected to uphold it. Yet despite this guidance, one of the severe experiences I have with my own kind (I mean men) is their constant criticism of food. I have tried to understand this behavior and categorize it. Of course, I’m not suggesting all men are like this.

The Perfectionist Mohniv

One type of food critic I’ve observed is the perfectionist. These are individuals who compare a dish they had at a restaurant or at some relative’s house, and now they are disappointed by the one cooked by their mother or sister because it is not perfectly similar. Reminding me of the Urdu language proverb, “ghar ki murgi daal barabar”, which literally means “the chicken cooked at home feels like lentils.” This perfectly captures the perfectionist mindset: nothing is ever quite good enough. Sometimes, I imagine them as walking measuring tools with “pass or fail” brain process going for a routine checkup. The human element of fallibility and the joy of imperfection mean nothing to them. To them, the food is either perfect, or it is nothing.

The Refined Taste Khoje

Another category of men are those with ‘refined taste.’ These people look for quality in food, while being cautious about hygiene and freshness. Although this can be highly debatable, I, for one, tend to think that I have a refined taste when it comes to food quality, as I don’t want to get sick. But this has not made me overly critical of the food cooked by the women in my home, nor have I, most of the time, rejected or looked down upon food offered by anyone or I have had at any restaurant.

Also, some people with this mindset tend to have feelings of superiority when they dismiss food simply because of who has prepared it. Enjoying a simple meal is not possible for them, deeming it unworthy of their refined palate. But there’s a danger here: in their pursuit of culinary perfection, they rob themselves of the joy found in simple, humble meals. When every meal is scrutinized through the lens of superiority, the risk of missing out on the vast range of food experiences that exist outside of a carefully curated, “refined” world is great.

The Hard-to-Please Zamtur

Then there’s the son-in-law (zamtur)—perhaps the most infamous of food critics. He is a nightmare for any household cook. Any dish brought to his table is not perfect, even if it is perfect. His criticism tends to focus on minor details like the temperature of the food, the presentation, and slight imbalances in flavor etc., frustrating the cook. These small details can drive a cook to frustration, especially when the critic’s preferences seem so particular and, frankly, unreasonably high.

It has been observed that his prestige lies in the plate he eats, causing many Kashmiri families to outsource the preparation of cuisines. Mind you, this is not done to please him (that isn’t happening in this life), rather to put the blame for any failure on the outsider waza (traditional Kashmiri cooks), and allowing the family to preserve face. Nevertheless, satisfaction is never attained, and his internalizing of desires only leads to increased discontentment in his life.

The Cultural-Controller Mard

Last but not the least is mard tange wala, who finds criticizing food part of his masculinity. His male role in the household comes with the unspoken privilege of dictating what is acceptable in terms of food etc., and exerting control over the women in the household. For him, it is part of his control in the household.

However, on his part, there is a lack of recognition for the effort that goes into cooking. For many women, food preparation is an act of love, care, and skill. Yet the constant criticism undermines that effort, turning what should be a shared experience into a source of tension.

Conclusion

Not much is known about this problem, at least by the critic himself; and awareness is must. Also, the whole situation on the dastarkhān can be an adverse life experience for anyone witnessing it. It creates an atmosphere of dissatisfaction, undermines the efforts of those who cook, and can diminish the enjoyment of food itself. Criticism, when based on unrealistic standards or superiority, only limits our experience of eating and the joy we seek from the act. The next time you sit down to a meal, maybe it’s worth appreciating the food not just for its flavor but for the gesture behind it. And for those who are quick to provide criticism, perhaps it’s time to recognize that sometimes, “good enough” really is good enough.

PS: Dedicated to my beautiful mother.