Empty Nest Syndrome

Khawaja Ahmad and Madam Zeba’s (names changed) story is a poignant example of the emotional toll that financial independence and migration can have on families. Living alone in Barzulla area after their superannuation, they embody the struggle faced by many parents of Non-Resident Kashmiri (NRK) children. While they once took pride in their children’s academic achievements and supported their aspirations to study and work overseas, they now grapple with the profound loneliness and solitude that accompany an empty nest.

Hundreds of us Kashmiris emigrate every year: for higher education, lucrative jobs, better lifestyle and to join our spouses abroad. As we inch closer to our goals, dreams become a reality propelling us into the orbit of success. In this process we leave behind all that we wished to escape in traditionally family-oriented society, but at the same time knowingly or unknowingly, we leave behind our biggest treasure - our parents. My throat tightens as I talk about the individuals who made a lot of sacrifices for us to be settled outside the country. The parents of these children, right from their birth, plan to send their offspring abroad for their bright future due to the paucity of futuristic opportunities and a prosperous life in our country. They spend their hard-earned savings, take loans and leave no stone unturned to make their child’s life brighter in other lands. Slowly and gradually, these children move towards accomplishment of their dream future. They complete their education, get into rewarding jobs, buy their dream houses and get settled. But in a race to achieve all these milestones, they leave behind their treasures alone. Their parents who toiled their entire life just to see their kids settled in foreign countries living a comfortable life are left lonely and rheumy.

What about our responsibilities as their offspring? What can we provide them besides materialistic bliss and occasional episodes of satisfaction? Obtaining a visa for them to move overseas isn’t always desired, practical, or achievable. children? Most parents prefer to remain in their country, Kashmir in their own homes, surviving independently until they can. It is unrealistic to ask them to start their lives over in a strange country. They are glad for us, proud of our accomplishments, and follow our progress from afar. They aren’t going to whine and will keep taking everything in stride. Although the worry of growing old without their children and the uncertainty of how life will develop is on their minds, they rarely, if ever, show us this anxiety.

The Emotional Impact of Loneliness and Solitude

Daily Life in Solitude: Ahmad and Zeba’s days are marked by routine and quietness. The absence of their children leaves a palpable void, turning what were once bustling family gatherings into silent afternoons and evenings.

Technology as a Lifeline: Occasional WhatsApp and FaceTime calls provide moments of connection and joy, breaking the monotony and offering glimpses into their children’s lives. However, these digital interactions, while comforting, are fleeting and cannot replace the warmth of physical presence.

The Psychological Toll: The emotional strain of separation can lead to feelings of depression and anxiety. Ahmad and Zeba might find themselves reminiscing about the past, cherishing memories of when their home was filled with laughter and activity.

The Broader Social Context

Cultural Expectations: In Kashmiri society, family bonds are traditionally strong, and parents often expect their children to live nearby and support them in their old age. The migration of children to distant lands disrupts this expectation, leading to a cultural shift and a sense of loss.

Community Support: While the local community can provide some support, it cannot fully substitute for the companionship of one’s own children. Ahmad and Zeba may find solace in neighbors and friends, but the inherent loneliness of missing their children remains a persistent challenge.

 Migration: It is too much to expect them to live a new life in a new country at their age. These elderly parents with pasted smiles on their faces and cheerful exteriors, hide behind their eyes, the untold stories of loneliness, anxiety, fear and uncertainty. Moreover, in some cases, the NRK children who have settled offshore start showing a back seat to emotions, affection and sense of responsibility. Although they try to provide all types of care and facilities to parents, what they lack is the emotional support and availability on their calls. This is what their old parents want. However, this does not become possible all the time which leads to serious consequences. These parents become part of what is called as “Empty Nest Syndrome”, refers to the distress, grief and other complicated emotions that parents often experience when their children leave home either for studies, job or living their own relationships. The satire is that people want their children to grow up and spend independent lives. However, the experience of letting go is often emotionally thought-provoking. Parents may feel secluded, sad, and have some degree of grief when their children leave the nest.

Reflecting on Their Decisions

Ahmad and Zeba’s situation prompts a deeper reflection on the decisions made in pursuit of their children’s better future. While they do not regret supporting their children’s ambitions, they now face the emotional consequences of those choices. This dichotomy between pride in their children’s achievements and the pain of their absence is a common narrative among parents of NRKs.

Addressing Loneliness.Engaging in Community Activities: Participation in local social and cultural events can help alleviate some of the loneliness by fostering a sense of belonging and purpose.Regular Visits and Stays: Encouraging their children to visit more frequently or inviting them to stay for extended periods can help bridge the emotional gap.Support Networks andEmbracing Technology : Establishing or joining support groups with other parents in similar situations can provide mutual understanding and emotional support.While technology, using video calling, group chat WhatsApp, Facetime call etc provides temporary relief cannot replace physical presence, finding creative ways to stay connected—such as sharing daily routines, participating in virtual family activities, or planning regular video calls—can strengthen family bonds despite the distance.

There are no easy solutions for some issues. We made a choice in leaving our home and our parents. Having chosen this way of life, we realize that we pay a heavy price for our choices. We learn that money cannot buy our parents’ happiness and that one certainly cannot have it all. At their age, expecting them to start over in a foreign nation is simply too much. These elderly parents hide the hidden tales of loneliness, anxiety, dread, and uncertainty beneath their cheery exteriors and plastered grins.

Ahmad and Zeba’s experience is a testament to the complex emotions involved in the pursuit of financial independence and the migration of children. It underscores the importance of balancing professional aspirations with family ties and highlights the need for societal support systems to address the emotional well-being of parents left behind. The least we can do is to be grateful and thankful that we have lovely parents by celebrating Mother’s /Father’s Day, every day of the year. But then, shouldn’t that apply to all parents, everywhere. Finally, I would like to share a poem: “Truth cannot be hidden, it cannot be scented by the simplicity of texture, never by paper flowers.”

Author besides being a medical doctor at Mubarak hospital , is very active in positive perception management of various moral, social and religious issues