Attitudinal Variability between Senior Citizens and Unemployed Adult Children

Dr Zubair Saleem

Dr Showkat Rashid Wani

Abdul Rehman worked as a section officer in a college, and his son, Suhail, was studying MA English from IGNOU. Suhail faced a challenging situation because his parents didn’t appreciate his sincere efforts. They were critical of his achievements, comparing him to relatives and urging him to be more competitive.

After completing his MA English, Suhail took a teaching assignment on an academic arrangement basis, applying to different schools every year. Despite his dedication, he faced challenges due to favouritism and unsolicited recommendations. Suhail’s applications, filled with promises of selfless dedication, ended up in dustbins.

Back home, Suhail felt like an odd man out. His family ignored him, making him feel like a burden on society. His parents’ dissatisfaction and constant criticism led to Suhail’s depression and anxiety. The dysfunctional child-parent dynamics were fueled by statistical thinking, with parents failing to appreciate Suhail’s job-seeking efforts.

One day, Suhail travelled to Jammu for a job test, facing harsh conditions due to a landslide. Despite his struggles, his parents didn’t bother to check on him. Feeling disheartened, he returned home to a cold reception, worsening his emotional state. A heated argument with his father led to a traumatic incident where Suhail, in a moment of despair, attempted to jump into the river Jhelum. Fortunately, two kind strangers intervened, saving him from this extreme step.

Post this incident, Suhail experienced post-traumatic stress disorder and neurotic tendencies. Concerned relatives intervened, and Suhail underwent counseling and antidepressant treatment. The counseling sessions, including Focus Group Discussions, revealed a deep split in his personality dispositions.

Over six months of counseling, Suhail, along with his parents, forged a better understanding. The process helped them empathise with each other, fostering a more harmonious relationship. The importance of parents understanding the struggles of their adult children, especially in the context of unemployment and societal expectations, was emphasised. The complexities young adults face in personal and professional life were acknowledged, emphasising the need for compassionate parenting. Unnecessary control, constant criticism, and neglecting mental health needs were highlighted as behaviours that can contribute to emotional distress and long-term mental health issues. The story underscores the importance of empathy and support in navigating the challenges of adulthood.

The way out

Although facing criticism from parents can be challenging to deal with, it is vital for young adults to remember that their self-worth is not gauged by external parameters. To handle this situation, it’s essential to establish healthy margins and communicate openly with parents about their feelings.

Role of Adult Children:

• Seek support from a therapist or counselor to boost self-esteem and assertiveness, acknowledging that personal growth involves making mistakes.
• Embrace self-compassion and focus on self-improvement, deriving happiness from within rather than seeking constant external endorsement.
• Understand that parents’ criticism may stem from their own issues or insecurities, not necessarily reflecting your abilities. Don’t take it personally.
• Communicate calmly with parents using “I” statements, express feelings, and essentials. Be open to empathetic listening and consider apologizing for hurtful remarks.
• Prioritize self-care for mental and emotional well-being through healthy habits, exercise, meditation, hobbies, and spending time with supportive friends.
• If the parent-child relationship becomes toxic, prioritize your safety and seek help from concerned well-wishers.

Note: While parents may criticize with good intentions, keeping an open mind and empathetic communication is crucial.

Role of Senior Parents:

• Engage in family activities to bond, create memories, and facilitate learning for both parents and children.
• Invest time in building trust, ensuring your child feels heard and not judged or compared by fostering a safe space.
• Seek professional help if your child shows signs of disturbed mental health. Respond to disobedience and aggression firmly and calmly, avoiding a confrontational approach.
• Foster a loving environment where your adult child feels appreciated, helping them grow into self-assured individuals.
• Recognize that adult children still crave love, approval, and acceptance. Positive face-to-face connections reduce stress effectively.
• Make efforts to engage with your unemployed adult child, insisting on mealtimes together without distractions. Be patient; they will open up when ready.