Absurd Notions and Therapies!

The article “Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy?” in The New York Times (July, 2024) mentions about the current cultural shift in the West, as exemplified by social worker cum therapist Patrick Teahan who runs his “Monthly Healing Community” where his clients join to practice “disconnecting from family”.

Teahan basically challenges the traditional understanding of discipline and parental authority. Teahan’s promotion of “no contact” as a therapeutic step for healing childhood trauma has gained considerable footing, especially among young adults in the West, who feel that their parents’ disciplinary methods are abusive.

While it is undeniable that some parents may cross the line between discipline and abuse, the blanket promotion of separation as a solution is problematic. While the NYT article cites the stories of a few individuals who have chosen to cut ties with their parents, highlighting the potential harm of abusive family dynamics, the broader implications of advocating for estrangement seem more complex and troubling.

While such stories are compelling, they do not represent the majority of parent-child relationships. In most families, almost all over the world, discipline is a necessary part of parenting, and it is exercised with the child’s best interests at heart. To suggest that children should cut off contact with their parents simply because they disagree with or feel hurt by their upbringing style, overlooks the complexities of familial relationships.

All parents agree that they hold a fundamental right to discipline their children, a responsibility deeply rooted in the fabric of any society. Disciplining children is not merely a right but a duty that parents undertake to guide their children towards becoming responsible adults.

This duty is rooted in love, concern and a desire to protect. Discipline, when exercised correctly, teaches children essential life skills, such as self-control, respect for others and an understanding of societal norms. It is through discipline that children learn to traverse the challenges of life, develop resilience and understand the consequences of their actions.

Of course, the right to discipline is not synonymous with the stick or the right to abuse. Discipline, in its true sense, is an act of affection intended to correct and guide, not to control or dictate. However, the increasing tendency to label strict or traditional parenting as abusive, risks undermining the very foundation of parental authority. This “trend or concept” is particularly concerning in the context of the social media-fueled movements that promote separation as a form of empowerment and a method of healing from “childhood trauma”.

Moreover, the promotion of estrangement as a therapeutic tool raises ethical questions about the role of mental health professionals. Therapists are trained to help patients direct their emotions and relationships without imposing their own beliefs or encouraging drastic actions like cutting off contact with family members.

The rise of “TikTok therapists” and other online mental health influencers who promote separation as a one-size-fits-all solution risks trivializing the nuances of family dynamics and potentially causing more harm than good. Parents who discipline their children out of love and concern should not be vilified or blamed for their children’s struggles later in life. While it is important to acknowledge and address instances of genuine abuse, it is equally important to recognize the value of discipline in child-rearing.

The notion that children should “go no contact” with their parents as a way to heal from what may have been well-intentioned but strict parenting, is a highly dangerous oversimplification.

Furthermore, the long-term effects of separation on both the child and the parent must be considered. Parents who get cut off from their children experience profound grief, guilt and confusion. They are left to grapple with the loss of a relationship that is foundational to their identity and sense of purpose. Children who sever ties with their parents may initially feel relief, but they also lose a critical source of support, love and backing.

The relationship between parent and child is one of the most important and enduring bonds in a person’s life. While it is not always easy, and while conflicts and misunderstandings are inevitable, the answer is not in chopping off this bond but to work through these challenges with compassion, understanding and mutual respect.

Parents have the right to discipline their children, and children, in turn, have the right to voice their concerns and seek understanding. However, the path to healing and happiness lies not in drifting apart but in reconciliation and the recognition that, despite their flaws, parents and children need each other.

The rise of “cutting off” as a therapeutic trend is a disquieting development that undermines the foundational role of parents in their children’s lives. The West is already fraught with such faults. The rest of the world needs to reject such absurd notions.

Instead of promoting a culture of cutting off, society at large and parents and mental health professionals in particular, should encourage dialogue, understanding and healing within families. Discipline, when exercised with love and care, is not a form of abuse or mistreatment but a crucial part of raising responsible, sensitive and good individuals.